Archive for the ‘Mischief’ Category

Morning FAIL

July 18, 2012

When I teach in the evening, I have to get to my day job by 8 a.m. so I can leave at 4:30 p.m. and get to campus by 5 p.m. Other days, I come in around 9 a.m. Even though that’s only an hour difference, it’s like night and day for my anti-morning body clock. Throughout my life, I’ve tried to turn myself into a morning person. I enjoy accomplishing a lot early in the day but inevitably, my stubborn mind & body don’t conform easily to that rhythm so waking up early is always difficult for me. I often feel anxious and exhausted and oogy.

This week happened to be a perfect storm in my schedule, since I had to be in the classroom Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evenings. All day Sunday, I kept thinking about how I needed to be up early Monday morning so I should go to bed early and get plenty of solid rest. Naturally I slept like shit and woke up a lot, topped off with the most bizarre dreams. In 1 dream, a mean girl from high school snarked at me that when people lose weight, it makes them look short. (Oh mysterious psyche, you never fail to entertain!) In another dream, I met Kanye West at this beautiful, verdant cliff in Portland (which I’ve never been to.) He was working on an album in an amazing modern, glass-windowed building. I’m sad to report that he was on my mind because of his cameo on Keeping Up With the Kardashians the night before. (Don’t judge me!) Needless to say, when I finally woke up Monday morning, I felt like I’d been run over by a cement truck. Fortunately, I made it through my 3 hell days and my schedule will now be more reasonable.

Remember when the Goose was being repaired? When I got it back, I found all of my belongings in it except for my pool sandals. I keep them in my car and because of my neurosis about walking barefoot in locker rooms, wear them pretty much every second I’m at the gym and not in the actual pool. I can’t imagine anyone would steal something so insignificant but I have looked all over and cannot find them. (Naturally I immediately replaced them with sterile neoprene boots.) Where are you, sandals? Come home, Mama misses you!

TP Troubles

June 24, 2012

Guess what? The Goose is fixed and honkin’ up a storm but now I have a new problem – a ridiculous amount of terlet paper! You see, right before my car accident, I bought a big package of Charmin MegaRolls. (One roll is the equivalent of 4 regular-sized ones, which I love, since I’m a lazy sod.) The pack I bought contained 12 MegaRolls and wouldn’t fit in a regular bag, so I threw it in the trunk. As I was waiting for a ride at the scene of the accident, I grabbed some necessities out of my car but couldn’t bring myself to stand on the side of the road with an enormous pack of terlet paper. Once my car was at the body shop, there was NO WAY I wanted to priss into the testosterone-filled garage to fetch my TP, so I just bought another pack of MegaRolls. Now that my car is all fixed, I’ve got more toilet paper than I know what to do with! I mean if nuclear winter comes and we’re all infected with some kind of mutant dysentery, I’m all set. Maybe I should get some pals together to toilet paper someone’s house. Other ideas?

Lately, In Pictures

June 9, 2012

I’ve been having fun taking lots of pics lately, which I share on Instagram. Here are the highlights:

I did some late night sewing earlier this week. I’ll upload a pic of the finished product, which was cute but wonky.
Late-night sewing

Blowfish’s recent blog blitz definitely got my attention. That coupled with a 25%-off coupon got me to buy these sandals. They are very comfortable but waaaay higher than I’m accustomed to so I’m a bit precarious. I already turned my ankle once, proving that I’m not meant to wear high shoes.
Sandals

At a recent appointment, the vet told me he recognizes some signs of senility in Abby. That hadn’t occurred to me but does explain some odd behavior. After bawling, I put on a smile and am just trying to make her remaining time happy.
Abby

Lovely hydrangeas I spotted while yard salin’ last weekend:
Flars

Flea market find I’m wishing I’d splurged on:
Clock

A beautiful fountain in an Indy neighborhood I love:
Fountain

Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh _in rear_
Sale in rear

When You Care Enough To Send the Very Worst

August 26, 2011

The week before last turned out to be a real stinker for me. A number of stressful events converged into a black hole of suck that had me desperate for some downtime by the weekend. B knew I’d had a bad week so on Sunday he left a care package outside my door. He was worried I might be in the kitchen and see him through the window & he wanted it to be a surprise so he Army-style belly crawled to my door to drop off the gift. That mental image alone is enough to get me through many bad times but the contents of the care package made my millennium. Behold:

The Care Package

This delightful mélange is brought to you by the twisted mind of B. If these items don’t make you feel better, UR DOIN IT RONG! Needless to say, my mood was immediately elevated and once again, all was right with the world.

Here’s what else I’m loving this Thursday:

These cutie peeptoe Swedish Hasbeens :
Swedish Hasbeens

Sweet Ryan Gosling carrying his pup up the escalator so he won’t hurt his paw-paws:
Ryan Gosling & Pup

This pretty patchwork sewing machine cover:
Patchwork Sewing Machine Cover

Lovely Emma Stone & her side-swept bangs (Go see The Help immediately! I’m reading the book now.):
Emma Stone

This amazing mid-century modern house:
Mid-Century Modern House

This rustic, delicious-looking blood orange & clementine galette:
Galette

This idea for welcoming home a loved one (click thru for details):
Welcome Home

Tinkle Tale

May 20, 2011

Last weekend I was humbled by the indelicate task of retrieving a specimen of Abby’s urine. I’m sharing this because if you’ve been a reader for even a short time, you know how glamorous my life is and this is no doubt the kind of captivating story that keeps you coming back. Normally the patient, experienced vet techs get urine samples but Abby went on strike and refused to pee. She was probably mad because she thought we were merely taking a walk, when instead we were going to the vet. It’s right across the street from my apartment so we stroll over as it’s easier than loading her into the car, where she pants and chirps and sheds 10 layers of fluff. Now we’ve taken the walk enough times that she knows a certain direction equals vet time so the next time we go, I’ll probably have to tie a piece of bacon to a string and hang it in front of her face to coax her.

You’re probably wondering how one retrieves urine from a hound, so let me tell you. The vet gave me a fancy plastic tray with lots of convenient little divots for urine to pool in. You simply follow your pup and in one swift movement, thrust the tray under her booty as she expels. Because I’m a hard-headed eejit, I didn’t think that would work and why would I assume that experts knew what they were talking about anyway? Instead I tried shoving the tray in from the side. I anxiously pulled it out from under her to find only a few strands of booty fluff. This happened on a morning when a phone company technician was parked right by the potty area. The look he gave me as I performed the odd ritual made my face burn with humiliation.

The next morning I tried again using the technique the vet tech suggested. I had to sort of lift Abby’s big fluffy tail to get the tray positioned properly. She turned her head around and looked at me like, “What in God’s name are you doing woman?” but happily filled the tray with revolting pools of pee pee. I was so excited that I jumped up but then remembered the shame I’d felt the day before when I was being watched. I calmly looked around and saw no witnesses, after which I skipped inside to pour the specimen into a cup.

The reason I needed to collect urine was Abby had been begging to go out over and over, even when she’d already done her business. I thought she might have a UTI but the specimen revealed no problems. No doubt she was just torturing me for her own amusement.

This post can’t just be about piss so I’ll also mention that I went to the fabric store last week and was shocked to find that it had been totally renovated. I hadn’t been literally in months because I decided not to allow myself to buy anymore fabric until I used some of my stash. Still, I feel like I should’ve been notified about the changes and sent a detailed layout of the new floor plan so I could study it and not feel so at odds in what normally feels like home. The reason I broke my fabric store fast was to get embroidery floss for this adorable pattern, which I plan to hang in my bathroom. I’ve only ever cross stitched but the pattern Web site has great how-to videos so I’m excited to give it a whirl.

Edited to add: I feel compelled to come clean and tell you that I also bought fabric at the fabric store. I had seen this adorable pear print on Flickr & just couldn’t resist. And it was on sale! Do you see now why I can’t go often?

Pear Fabric

Why I Don’t Vacuum More Often

March 30, 2011

Abby and I had a fight last night after what shall henceforth be known as The Unfortunate Tech Suck of 2011. In the ensuing kerfuffle, I opened my front door hoping to air out the 10 tons of dust I’d just released into my apartment. She took advantage of the opportunity and sneaked outside. That wasn’t a big deal but she would not come back in, no matter what I said or did. I had to say the Serenity Prayer 7 times and eventually bent my will entirely to her ever-changing moods, knowing that she would soon relent and priss inside, which she did, followed by eying her treats as though that behavior warranted positive reinforcement. I felt bad getting upset with her because in the last few weeks, she’s really slowed down and it’s becoming more real to me that I don’t have much time left with my sweet girl. She started having more trouble getting around, unable to jump onto a chair she liked to snooze in and favoring her front leg. She’d also lost a bit of weight and seemed completely put-off by her kibble. The decline happened so fast and I was a complete wreck at the thought of losing her. I took her to the vet and ended up bursting into tears because my mind was full of worst-case scenarios. The vet started her on arthritis medicine and it’s helped tremendously. She’s been frisky and seems like her usual self but I’m still acutely aware that our time is limited, so I hate to spend it yelling at her to get her “fluffy booty inside right this minute!”

The whole mess started when I decided I had to dust and vacuum, lest my apartment be quarantined. I should mention that I hate vacuuming. Of all the chores, it’s my least favorite. I should also mention that a few weeks ago, during one of my all-too-infrequent tidying sessions, I noticed my vacuum wasn’t sucking up anything. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong and then suddenly remembered that my vacuum had a bag. I have no idea how or why I forgot that but I wish you could’ve seen/lifted the overflowing bag. It was beyond stuffed and weighed at least 10 pounds. (Moxy & Lean will vouch for me, as I saved the bag for them to laugh and point at.) I hadn’t changed it in at least a year and I think it’d been longer. I’m only telling you this so you’ll pity my feeble mind and truly understand the pathetic nature of my housekeeping.

With that in mind, last night I found myself vacuuming and came to a pile of techno-ephemera in my living room. I carelessly commenced to sucking up the dust bunnies in and around the pile and soon noticed I was sucking up a flash drive. My heart sank because I thought it contained all my precious pictures from the last 6 years, which had been miraculously salvaged from my old shithead laptop by my sweet and patient friend George. I turned off the vacuum as quickly as I could, but could already hear the scratching of bits and pieces being flung into the bowels of my vacuum cleaner. I eventually salvaged a tiny, very-damaged chip and a piece of the casing to the flash drive…which summarily informed me that it was just a random spare I had lying around and not the valuable memory-holding grail I thought it was. By this time I had already texted George 100 times and ripped the bag out of the vacuum cleaner, spilling dust and Abby fluff all over my living room.

Now of course the question is: where the hell is the important flash drive? I searched my office today and apart from discovering that it too is dusty and disorganized, I didn’t find anything. I have an idea where it is, but that brings me to another story and I think you’ve suffered enough for one day. More soon!

Even In My Sleep

January 21, 2011

I woke myself up this morning trying to entertain people in my dreams with a George Costanza witticism but for the life of me, can’t remember which one. (You know you watch Seinfeld reruns a lot when…) It wasn’t one of my faves, which is in the episode when the gang can’t find Kramer’s car in a mall parking garage. Jerry says you should always carry a pen so you can write down where you’re parked and George says “I can’t carry a pen. I’m afraid I’ll puncture my scrotum.” HA!

I’ve been sewing a lot lately and have 2 iron burns to show for it. One of them is especially nasty and in a very conspicuous place on my arm. The problem stems from my tiny sewing/laundry/world domination planning room. It only has one electrical outlet and it’s not conveniently located. I’ve been too triflin’ to get an extension cord so I’d been keeping my iron at an odd angle, whereby I often brushed dangerously close to it, singeing my poor dermis TWICE before realizing something needed to be done. Juggling all my sewing and crafting paraphernalia in that tiny room is a constant battle, one I hope to win soon in an ultimate showdown. I’ve been avoiding it because it will involve going through all of my fabric and supplies, purging, and re-organizing, which won’t be a picnic given how much crafty stuff I’ve amassed. I sort of did that to a lesser extent when I moved into my current apartment but it’s time to dig deep and honestly confront my vice. I plan to take before, during, and after photos so stay tuned for many opportunities to mock me.

I had Monday off for MLK Day so I went on a shopping trip with some friends from Bloomington, one that we’d literally been planning, canceling, and rescheduling for years. In an irony that’s not lost on me, I bought more fabric while whining about my burn. I also found an air horn at a random dollar store. I thought it might be too good to be true, so I just bought one to test. It works perfectly and now I plan to buy hundreds more to use as inappropriately as possible. Get some earplugs, is what I’m saying, especially if I’m ever responsible for waking you up.

Booted Up

January 11, 2011

I was excited for today’s snowfall so I’d finally have a chance to wear my sassy new snow boots. (Update: Looks like they’re sold out. See pic here.) I got them for 40%-off because I’m a sale-stalking rock star. They’re not quite broken in yet but they’re so warm and cozy. Bring it, winter – I’m ready!

New Year’s resolutions mean it’s been busy the last few times I’ve been to the pool but last night my lap lane was like rush hour in Manhattan. At various points, I shared a lane with 2 different people, each of whom I accidentally breast-stroke kicked at least once. We were  flanked by swimming lessons and a water aerobics class, making for choppy waters and wavering lane lines, which I (mostly) successfully navigated. When I got out of the pool, I felt like I should’ve been awarded some sort of High Seas Swimming Simulation medal but was only met with chilly air and a revolting hairball in the locker room shower drain.

Last weekend in another sale-stalking frenzy, Moxy and I went to Kohl’s armed with a killer coupon. I got several frames, which I brought home and carefully Windexed. Then I cropped my precious pictures and positioned them in the frames. About that time I realized that none of the frames had a hanging mechanism or even a smidge of overlap to catch on a nail. I can’t really return them so I’m stuck trying to figure out how to hang the little buggers. I rigged a crude method involving 2 nails and a bit of string, which worked but the nails and string showed, looking rather ridiculous and outwardly mocking the validity of my college education. Any suggestions?

My feet are very ticklish so I don’t know if I could use this but for some reason, I find it mesmerizing. “It’s like a car wash for your feet!” I especially love the guy in the shower sniffing his stinky shoe. Who hasn’t been there? ;)

NaBloButtHole

November 2, 2010

I thought I’d make my parents really proud and start things off on an erudite note. I use a Web site called Meebo, which aggregates all the most common chat programs. I don’t have to download anything and can keep in touch with all of my peeps, regardless of which chat application they use. They also have a free blog widget that lets your readers chat with you. You’ll find mine in the right sidebar. Anytime someone is reading my blog, I see a user listed in my Meebo chat window. You can enter a name in the widget, which I’ll see, otherwise you’re assigned a generic username like meeboguest######. A few months ago, on what must have been a slow day, I wanted to test out entering a name. Of course I didn’t use my real name, or nick name, or even something arbitrary like “Turnip.” No, instead my middle school sense of humor prevailed and I entered the name “Butthole.” Now whenever I’m viewing my own blog, in my Meebo chat window I see this:

Butthole

The weird thing is that it remains that way even though I’ve cleared my browser history and cookies a million times. Anyway it always makes me giggle and totally highlights my sophomoric tendencies.

Take a Look, It’s in a Book

August 12, 2010

I’m having one of those weeks when I’m totally immersed in a good book and all my regular activities are merely hoops I have to jump through so I can read some more. Book lust really is a lovely feeling and reminds me to be more diligent about reading. I was in a bit of a lull having just finished Eating Animals and Food, Inc., which were both incredible and truly life-altering but also very intense and not the sort you throw into your pool bag. But My First Five Husbands..And the Ones Who Got Away is loads of fun, moving, and dripping with juicy details. Moxy got it for me for my birthday. She also got me a Golden Girls trivia book which I plan to use to screen potential suitors.

Today I received the following e-mail:

Hello,

I’d appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: URL HERE

I realize that you are a bar stools connoisseur :) I’d like to hear your opinion/feedback on our bar stools.

Thank you,
Susan

Obviously it pleases me greatly to finally be recognized as a prominent sitter, in the tradition of Norm and Cliff.

And finally, earlier this week, my friend David was butt-dialed and got this voice mail at 6:28 in the morning. Frankly, it’s made my week and suddenly my family doesn’t seem like the only one living in Dysfunction Junction. Enjoy!

Click here to listen


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