Well, I found my brown dress pants. They were hanging neatly in the back of my closet, which explains why it took me so long to locate them. Who the hell keeps clothes in the closet? Most of mine are on the floor of my bedroom, piled on top of the washer and dryer, sitting in a wrinkled heap in a laundry basket, or hanging on a clothes rack I keep on the back of my bedroom door for the exclusive purpose of avoiding hanging up clothes. It never even occurred to me to look in the designated home of clothing. What a novel location for textiles!

I managed to break my computer at work, so I’ve been using a free workstation in the call center. I’m this close to donning a SARS-style mask because it sounds like a tuberculosis ward out here. Hacks and snorts and snuffles, oh my! I hope I don’t get a cooty.

I got a hair cut this weekend and scheduled my next one, which marked my first 2010-calendar-year event. TWO-THOUSAND TEN! When did it get to be nearly a decade after 2000? Didn’t I just graduate from high school/learn to walk/emerge from the womb?

P.S. Dating wisdom: Just because a boy gives you a beautiful orchid doesn’t mean you should give him your flower, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

A very valuable piece of wisdom was imparted to me recently. Apparently you can’t hate/berate/belittle yourself into doing something. It just won’t work. Can you believe that? For 33 years I’ve been using this absurd technique. So, for example, mentally assailing myself for not posting more often is not going to make me post more often. It’s just going to make me feel like crap. I’m telling you, this information could change my life. I understand the concepts of positive reinforcement and being kind to yourself but had never pondered these notions in this way. Let’s all make a concerted effort to treat ourselves as kindly as we would our friends and loved ones. Report back with your hopefully fantastic results!

I made a new mix. Click here to enjoy!

And now I shall close with 2 deep thoughts:

1. Does Madonna’s daughter Lourdes have a British accent?
2. Where the hell are my brown dress pants? I haven’t seen them for weeks and I’ve done laundry so I know they’re not in the washer or dryer. Did you take them? If so, please return them! They’re crucial to my fall work wardrobe.

I am a tangled mess of emotions à la Ron Burgundy in Anchorman.  (“I’m in a glass case of emotion!”) My brain is a’swirl with a load of crap and I can’t seem to right myself to accomplish a damn thing. In lieu of a tantalizing narrative hook, I’m going to try and focus on something I’m really grateful for.

I wrote that opener yesterday, but never got around to finishing my post. Thankfully today I’m feeling much better* but still want to shamelessly dote a moment, if you’ll indulge me. The subjects of my adoration are my incandescent friends. The last several weeks have been stressful (mostly good stuff but difficult nonetheless) and truly, the only reason I’ve survived without more pharmaceutical intervention is because of my incredible wealth of amazing friends. They’ve all been so supportive and time and again, have managed to catch me right before I hit the ground. Cases in point?

• Due to a self-indulgent combination of ennui and frustration, I was seriously considering stopping blogging when out of the blue, I got two comments from strangers who said lovely things about my writing.
• After a long, nerve-wracking day, I checked my mail and found an unexpected, no-special-occasion-just-out-of-the-kindness-of-her-heart card from my sweet friend JayDub and tucked inside was a gift card for Jo-Ann fabric store. (MANNA!)
• After a bit of blubbering Sunday night, Lean and Moxy comforted me and then jumped in and tackled some projects I’d been avoiding. Moxy re-potted my sad, little $1.50 Ikea plant and Lean put together this laundry cart using instructions I found so confusing, they may as well have been in a language not yet invented due to its otherworldly complexity. And then yesterday, via phone calls and IMs, they talked me through a difficult situation and checked on me and put aside stuff to make sure I was OK. I’m tearing up just thinking about it – the sisterhood was in effect!
• B, who is typically not one to emote, completely drilled to my core and helped me figure out some major career stuff that needs immediate intervention. But he did it in such a loving way and just called to invite me to Chicago for the weekend for more brain-storming and camaraderie.

Can you even believe how blessed I am?? It really is an embarrassment of riches and I couldn’t be more humbled and indebted and thankful.

“I’d like to teach the world to sing…”

Just kidding.

*I need to remember this because it speaks to how fleeting emotions can be, like passing storms.

What better way to ingratiate myself to my one reader than by opening with a Photoshop axiom! Aren’t you glad you stopped by? I’ve been completely off the blogging radar lately, due to life’s winding path but I’m ready to jump back in bullet style!

• I made the mistake of wearing silky under-things and a silky skirt one day this week and basically mooned my boss and his boss, after which I prayed for the earth to swallow me in a swift gulp followed by a satisfied belch.
• I’ve been having this granola for breakfast and I love it. (I use sugar-free honey instead of agave nectar.) It’s YUMMY and carries me through the whole morning.
• How can it possibly be October already?
• I triumphantly unpacked my last box a few weeks ago. Naturally, it contained something I’ve needed for months. Next up is hanging all my pictures and arranging knickknacks. (He doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to elicit help from Don Kramer. He has a good eye!)
• Last weekend I had to pay A LOT for new tires and while I’m grateful I could afford them, man it sucks to blow money on something so utterly forgettable and utilitarian.
• The girls and I went to a birthday party recently for someone in her late 20s. We had a good time but by nine were yawning and ready to head home while the 20-somethings were just getting revved up to party. On the walk back to the car, all we could hear were crickets and the sounds of our joints creaking.
• Please enjoy some fall inspiration:

Mother nature is once again punishing me for my impudent hedonism. Oh yes readers, she’s a mischievous minx with a twisted sense of humor. As you well know, I’ve intrepidly dipped my toe in the murky waters of Internet dating. Despite the glut of duds, I had my first date on Saturday. We e-mailed and talked for a few weeks and though tempered, my hopes were high. Against all odds, it went very well and after dinner and an hour of shameless flirting at a bookstore, we ended up at a lovely park. It was there that things took a passionate turn and, well, we ended up making out. I know, I know – that’s not something you do in public beyond the age of say, 12 or 13, but we just couldn’t help ourselves. Bear in mind that we were in a relatively-private gazebo and whenever anyone was in the vicinity, we broke apart to casually discuss the Pythagorean Theorem. It was all innocent and fun until the next morning when I found that my feet, ankles, and legs were COVERED in mosquito bites. I was wearing a skirt, you see, and got so caught up in the smooching, I didn’t notice the army of insects feasting on my limbs. I stopped counting at 13 bites and instead spent the week scratching furiously and cursing my childish romp.

In other I Can’t Handle Adult Responsibility news, my driver’s license expired on my birthday so (a month later), I called the BMV to find out if I needed to bring any obscure paperwork to renew it. The kind lady I spoke with summarily informed me I had accrued enough points on my license that I had to take the written test to once again be considered road-worthy. “FANTASTIC,” I chirped. The points were courtesy of my first speeding ticket, The Incident, and my most-recent foray with Barney Fife. WOW. Who wants to hire me to balance your checkbook or care for your children? Thankfully everything turned out well. I took a few hours off work to study and passed with only one wrong. Yay me!

To clean my cluttered slate, I’m heading to Chicago for a night o’ fun with the Bumble B, during which I will NOT make out outside or receive any moving violations. What are you up to this weekend?

Oh yeah, baby! How did this stud know exactly what to put in his profile to bring all the girls to his yard? I mean, is there anything sexier than a forthcoming hottie on the prowl for an Amazonian bachelorette? This guy actually IMed Moxy, asking to do something extremely dirty to her hopefully-prevalent arm hair. On a whim, she asked him if this particular flirting technique was ever effective. He, of course, jovially dodged the question and moved on to solicit other less-enterprising young women.

Have you guys noticed an abundance of spiders in the last month? I don’t ever recall seeing so many of the spindly little bastards this time of year. One in particular had the audacity to weave a 3-bedroom web right by the door to my apartment. For ambiance, he drug an insect carcass into the web and appears to be defiling it whenever I come home. I’m really not sure how to get rid of this guy. I’m too much of a pacifist to oh, I don’t know, spray his web with 409 but I’m not feeling brave enough to gently extricate him and set him free in the nearby grass. I thought about sucking him up with the vacuum but worried he’d survive and trudge through the bowels of my vacuum cleaner to bite me in the night. Lean is the type of person who humanely captures insects who’ve strayed from the beaten path but I don’t know if even she has the Thoreauvian fortitude to relocate this mother.

I have a bad feeling that my laptop is on its last leg. It’s arbitrarily ceasing to recognize my keystrokes for increasingly longer periods of time, in addition to taking 5-7 minutes to load Web pages and switch between apps. Although I’m in IT, I don’t know a thing about hardware, so I’m dreading shopping for a new laptop. My Dad recently got one and was SO adorable when describing it to me. “You should see it [Mymsie]! It’s silver and really, really nice.” Hee.

I have a cute little sun room off my living room. The washer and dryer are in a closet in there, but there’s plenty of room for my sewing desk and crafting supplies. Before I unpacked everything, I wanted to clean the tile floor, which was FILTHY. In the midst of that task, I ended up moving the washer and dryer to clean under/around them and DEAR GOD, we must never speak of what I found under there. It was so foul, the mere knowledge that it once lay in hiding sends shivers up my spine. As I’ve mentioned before, nothing levels the playing field more than this type of cleaning.

Me: I have a sassy new hair cut and a great start on my screenplay!

The universe: Oh yeah? Well, why don’t you clean up that mysterious yellow substance under the washer and then we’ll see how you feel.

*shudder*

Oh Internets, I had one of those weekends. You know the type. Once it’s all over, you look around groggily and ask, “What the eff just happened?” I was all prepared to have a rip-roaring time but on Friday evening, happened to come across a piece of paper Dan had written on. I guess it’s silly but MAN that really messed me up. I was a wreck, completely overwhelmed again with the terrible weight of knowing he died alone and so world-weary, bereft of hope. Sadness that profound feels bottomless and it scares the hell out of me. I’m fine most of the time but occasionally, like this weekend, feel completely breathless and paralyzed at the thought of what happened. How can it be? How can this paper still be here when he’s not?

There’s really no better way to proceed than by sharing a tasty recipe I tried recently. For the season 3 premiere of Mad Men, I had the girls over for gimlets, which I inadvertently made WAY too strong (hic) and some snackables in the form of blue corn chips and a version of this corn & avocado salsa. I strayed from the ingredient list, based on laziness and what I had on hand. In the end it looked something like this:

• Cut the kernels off 2 ears of corn
• Dice 1 avocado and toss in the juice of 1 lemon
• Chop 3-4 green onions (I use kitchen shears for easy snipping)
• Dice 1-2 tablespoons of cilantro
• Dice 1/2 jalapeno very fine
• Salt & pepper to taste
• Toss everything together and leave it in the fridge for at least an hour for the flavors to mingle.

Easy and YUM!

Why is it that I only see my cute neighbor when I look like a sweaty field hand? I mean how does he know the exact moment to emerge from his cologne-scented bachelor pad to see me looking my worst? Recently I took Abbs out, my hair frizzy and my heaving bosom without the benefit of a foundation garment so he naturally took his dog out then too. After he spotted me, he walked half the distance between us and started making polite chit chat. I panicked that he’d turn to stone if he looked too closely at me so I turned on my heel and literally ran back inside, mumbling something about needing a bag to clear up Abby’s poo. Sexy, right? Now when I see him he just waves and offers a watery smirk, having undoubtedly pegged me as the anti-social neighbor with saggy breasts. Nobody tries to borrow a cup of flour from me without getting emotionally scarred!

Here’s the latest from a profile on a dating Web site I’ve had the misfortune of browsing:

If you’re in a happy, healthy relationship – be thankful, is what I’m saying.

Do you know what your car will smell like the day after you spill a latte in it in August? ASS, is what. So steamy and gnarly, you’ll close your eyes and imagine better smells, like the one inside a rotting road-kill corpse.

Let me atone for that heinous imagery by telling you about what I like to call the orgasm peaches. Awhile ago, Moxy and I signed up for Farm Fresh Delivery, which brings us a load of organic, sometimes-local produce every other week. I initially thought everything was local, so I’ve been a little bummed when it’s not. It also seems like some of the veggies are right on the verge of going off when we get them. That said, it’s been fun to explore nature’s bounty and find new ways to use all the goodies (like in this yummy veggie pie I made).

The best of the bunch have been the peaches. OH MY GOD, the peaches. They are so delicious that Moxy said it well when she noted eating them is a sensual experience. They’re so juicy and heady with nectar, I’ve taken to snarfing them right over the sink, moaning with pleasure. Yes. THAT good. I don’t know where the orgasm peaches come from, but especially in times like these, when dating sites are rotten with alien rapscallions, it sure is nice to enjoy a fresh, decadent piece of…fruit.

P.S. Please congratulate dear reader Amelia on the birth of her beautiful baby girl! Yay – I finally get to sew some girly baby things!