Warning: This Post is a Little Depressing

I just got the following e-mail from Don Kramer:

Psychic Consultations by Tammy Cox

317-862-2570

Does this tell you anything about where my life is? Folks, I'm burnt out and feeling frustrated that a good portion of my life has been a struggle against adversity in every way, not just one way or even two or three. ALL WAYS. What is the deal? Do I have a target on my forehead? There is constant family drama (more than you could possibly imagine), I've had job drama (though now am thankful to have a great job), health drama (including the dreaded "anxiety drama"), school drama, money (now student loan) drama, car drama, boy drama (in different varieties), and the list goes on and on. Funnily enough, when I was thinking about all this and feeling totally overwhelmed, my Mom called and left a message saying my grandmother is in the hospital. It was like a slap in the face. I know that many people have it worse, and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but the last few years have just completely drained me.

I had dinner with Lean and Don Kramer last night (pictures forthcoming) and Don said he had a bad day. I am always very reluctant to complain because I don't want people to think I do it too much or that I don't appreciate my blessings. But even Lean said I keep it in too much and she's right. So I spilled it all out. By the time he'd heard all the stuff I've dealt with, he said he felt better because his problems didn't seem so bad.

I had a long talk with my Mom last night and she was very helpful and reassuring. She told me a story. A few days after she got married, she and my Dad were walking downtown in a small town in Virginia. They ran into a classmate who told them he'd just bought a farm. My Mom said he was good as gold and had a knack for agriculture, but wasn't necessarily the brightest crayon in the box. At the time she felt the distance between his experience and what she and my Dad would experience. Fast forward 28 years. My parents are getting a divorce. My Mom said it hit her one night that her classmate's farm is paid off by now and he's probably doing well, despite having lived what some might consider a "simple life." She chose a different route. Not many Moms have two kids and then go back to school, working straight through from undergrad to PhD. I think her point was to be proud of my accomplishments, acknowledge how certain choices have affected my life, and realize that despite it being very difficult and unfair sometimes, it's worth it. I believe that in my heart but in times like these, I'm not interested in ANY ridiculous platitudes. I get the point God! It's gonna be a tough time. Now throw me a bone dammit!

Don said that he went to a psychic a few years ago when he was having a hard time. He didn't give the psychic any personal information. She laid out his path and where his life was headed. At the time, Don said he didn't appreciate it, but now, a few years later, he sees that a lot of the stuff has come true and things are beginning to make more sense. Now of course, some of the psychic's predictions haven't yet come to fruition, but his point was, 'In a few years, you'll look back on this time with better understanding of why you had to go through so much. You'll see how it's made you, strengthened you, and prepared you. You'll also run into a parked car.'

Ever since I've returned from my brother's wedding in Mexico, I've been having awful dreams and waking up screaming. It's terrifying. (I haven't said much about my trip, mainly because it doesn't deserve any more negative energy, but it was pretty bad. I have NEVER been treated so badly at any point in my life. EVER.) I told Lean about my dreams. She asked if I remembered what they're about. I don't; I just know that I'm scared to death. She said anytime she has a bad dream that she can't remember or can't quite understand, right before bed, she's asks God/the universe/whatever you believe in to make the meaning of the dream clear to her, to impart wisdom and understanding. I did that last night. I had a dream that I have ALL the time. I'm either naked or in a bathing suit and in front of boys from high school. I'm MORTIFIED and SO uncomfortable, you can't imagine. I wonder if the point of that is that I have a lot of growing to do and need to be more loving and accepting of myself, and then I'll be ready for some good stuff. That's what I'm choosing to believe at this juncture. đŸ˜‰

I say with 100% certainty that I have been blessed with an INCREDIBLE abundance of AMAZING friends my entire life. I mean it's unbelievable. I've always had a major support system, even though I've moved several times. I've continued to meet people and have been SO fortunate in that respect. And I'm very grateful for that.

But for the record, when I got coffee this morning, the contents of my wallet spilled into a garbage can. I had to rummage in it to retrieve everything. I felt like a raccoon. Also, my eyes are swollen from crying last night, so the gas station lady asked if I was having allergy problems. Yeesh…

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