Sensitivina McSensitivstern

That’s my name. Let me preface this long diatribe by saying that things are kind of hard right now. I’m keeping my head up, but I’m pretty sensitive these days. You know how it is when you’re sad and worn down? My emotions are on edge. On top of that, when I’m feeling anxious, I tend to do this “expect the worst” crap, which doesn’t help matters.

Here’s the scoop. Bernard had an unexpected free week before he has to be in MO for training. We talked on Sunday and agreed to do something Tuesday. I thought he said he would call Monday. (I later found out he thought we were just going to talk Tuesday.) On Monday, he didn’t call and I was irritated. Normally, I would blow it off, but it started a chain of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and overreactions on my part.

Last week, Poorod and I had talked about hanging out on Tuesday this week. He sent me a text message yesterday morning, asking if I still wanted to hang out. I hadn’t heard from Bernard so I wasn’t sure what the plan was. I sent Bernard a text message asking if he still wanted to do something. He said, “Yes. Tonight. Dinner.” Because his message was so short, I assumed he was irritated and didn’t want to do anything and that’s why he didn’t call, but he was going to do something anyway since I sent him a text message and he felt bad. (How RIDICULOUS is that??)

It’s important to note here that I went to a birthday lunch with my peeps yesterday. We went to Alcatraz (wait til you see the piccies) downtown. They had some stuff that looked yummy, but not many healthier, low fat choices. I ended up getting this turkey wrap thing, but I didn’t want to eat out again for dinner and deal with another stressful meal where I’m trying to do well and am tempted by evil, delicious fries.

I replied to Bernard’s textie asking if we could do something non-food related. In the past when we’ve gotten together and don’t have a lot of time, he’s said he doesn’t want to see a movie because he’d rather we do something that allows us to talk. I already had a few alternate ideas planned out but after my message, he said it didn’t matter to him what we did, but that he was driving to Chicago afterword. (His once ex and now very good friend lives there.) I said something along the lines of “I hope it’s not some big rush.” He cleverly ignored my message and suggested a movie. This further contributed to my belief that he didn’t want to do anything at all. He later said he wasn’t sure what to do since I nixed the dinner idea. So I said “Anything is fine” (LIE) and we decided to see MI3. Then, we had to pick a theatre. Sometimes we meet in Greentucky because it’s between here and Bloomington but he picked a random theatre on the west side. He said it was better for him in terms of proximity, with heading to Chicago in mind, and also that the movie time would allow him enough time to get to Chicago afterward at a reasonable hour. Again I misinterpreted this to mean it was this half-ass thing that he didn’t really want to do but felt he had to do before he left town. I know, I know. I totally read into it.

By the time I met him at the theatre, I was frustrated and confused. In my mind, I thought he might come up for the evening and stay the night. However, I’ve never invited him to because I didn’t want him to feel weird or uncomfortable. I was thrown off when he said he was going to Chicago right away. Sensitive Mymsie + different expectations = trouble.

Blah blah blah, after the movie, we walked to the parking lot. I asked him if he had to rush. I misunderstood and thought he said yes. I didn’t know what to do, and I thought he just wanted to get out of there, so we both got in our cars and left.

It didn’t take me long to start feeling upset. I was thinking, “He’s so busy he can’t even talk for five minutes? What’s the deal? If he didn’t want to see me, he should’ve said!” I did some thinking and some cleansing breaths and decided to call him. By this point, I was on the verge of tears because you know how it is when you’re in a rough patch. I told him I was irritated and why and he was SO sweet and I was embarrassed. He said he was hoping to get to Chicago not too late, but he did want to see me. He also said that in the parking lot, he said he had some time, but I misunderstood. (He’s a soft AND low talker.) I still wasn’t convinced and then he asked me what was wrong and I told him nothing (LIE). He said I didn’t sound fine and that he didn’t want me to be upset. I told him that everything is kind of a mess right now and spelled out exactly what I had been thinking about our exchanges over the last few days. He said, “You read waaaaaay too much into everything.” I told him I knew I did and I apologized and said I know I’m sensitive right now and I even told Ern I was today. Then he was sweet and kept saying, “You know you can come see me” and of course I had planned to. He also said he’d be able to use e-mail again soon and that he would figure out the details about visitors so we can make a plan. He was patient and I apologized and he did too and said sorry for the miscommunication.

Before when I said something implying that he didn’t want to see me he said that just wasn’t true and almost giggled. I think he was flattered that I made such a spaz of things. Obviously, he’s important to me. And the thing is, if you know Bernard, you know that he wouldn’t do something unless it was important to him. He was sweet and understanding and I’m a rere.

The history of my relationship with Bernard is a long one; perhaps I’ll expound on that later. One thing to note that I remembered last night is something that went down awhile ago. I had officially started dating again and there was suddenly this odd space between us. There were MANY mixed signals. We had some miscommunications and he got mad at me for seeing movies with other people. He also thought I wasn’t being considerate enough of his feelings. I was trying to do too much and was unsure about things, but also, he overreacted a little. I was flattered that he cared so much and apologized profusely, telling him how important he is to me. Thinking about that made me feel better. I’m not the first person to overeact.

Just now I took some time to go through old e-mails from Bernard that I’ve saved and they’re sweet and he’s always been very, very good to me, in many ways, more than any man in my whole life. So puppies, kittens, candy, everything is fine. Now I just have to work on taking care of myself, relaxing, and remembering that I’m extra sensitive.

What are you lookin’ at?! 😉

Let the record show that in his time at boot camp and then officer school, Bernard has become a man. He seems happy and SO much more confident. He used to be skin and bones and he’s so in shape and tan and DELICIOUS looking. *pant*


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