The Foibles of Health & Beauty Aids

To maintain a modicum of privacy and not illicit the attention of a stalker, I’ll simply vaguely note that I was on TV last night. In anticipation, I cleverly wore dark colors, which in my mind were slimming. Before I left my apartment, I even took a few moments to lavish my curls with fragrant styling cream, treat my lashes to a decadent two coats of mascara, and slick shiny gloss onto my parted lips.

In the end, I was on camera no more than two minutes, during most of which, I merely lingered in the background. Still, the experience was exciting and tummy flutter inducing all the same.

I didn’t get home until fairly late and ended up falling asleep without taking my mascara off. Such an egregious violation of makeup protocol stung my subconscious, causing me to rouse briefly in a despondent state and mutter, “Mascara…must…take…off……can’t…fall…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

This morning, after my alarm jolted me into the moment, I padded into the bathroom and squinted under the harsh glean of the overhead light. Before me in the mirror stood a woman who’d clearly been beaten the night before. Her haggard mug sported two black eyes, mocking the abnormal grin on her face. “That poor, poor women,” I tutted. As a wave of lucidity rose up from my toes, like a flood engulfing a room, it occurred to me that I  was the poor, bedraggled creature – a victim of the lethal combination of vanity and laziness.

And so I began my quest to remove the black scourge, which had wandered from its original home and reformed into smudgy, charcoil cresents under my eyes.

P.S. For the record, when Maybelline says “waterproof,” they unequivocally mean it.

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