Reach Out and Touch Someone Dumbass

When I got home after work yesterday, I wasn’t outside with Abby for five minutes before I was HOT as hell and ready to jump in the nearest body of water. I informed Lean of this fact, so she came over to swim. We talked as we treaded water, swam laps, flutter kicked, and performed sassy turns. Without 20 minutes, I felt 250% better than I had when I got home from work. It hit me that for a number of reasons, this was kind of a sucky week for me. First off, work has been frustrating lately. I’m feeling overwhelmed about where to begin and I’m having trouble concentrating, so I’m not accomplishing much. I feel really bad about that, and know I need to get my butt in gear, but I have so much on my mind.

On top of that, my ongoing struggle to take better care of myself and lose weight is going very well, but this was a difficult month for me. Now that my results are getting more significant, it’s almost like I’m sabotaging myself. I need to deal with the reasons I put weight on in the first place, which I’ve been trying to do, but obviously, it’s a huge, complex issue.

I’ve also thought a lot about Chris lately and tried to understand what happened with our relationship. I’ve realized that I’m still really angry with him for the way things ended. I’m also angry because I trusted him COMPLETELY and was caught off guard.

I constantly worry about ending up alone. I know that’s not necessarily likely but for me, it would be the worst thing I can imagine. Now that I’m 30, I feel even more concerned about what’s going to happen. I don’t want to be the only person in the office who isn’t in a serious relationship. I don’t want to be the only one of my friends who isn’t hitched. I don’t want to be a lonely outsider. It’s scary to confront that fear.

So as I was shedding all these layers talking with Lean, she asked me something that she’s asked me so many times. “Why didn’t you call me?! You’ve come to my apartment 100 times when I’ve needed you. I would come over anytime!” It hit me that I don’t reach out enough. I think I’m too prideful and embarrassed. I don’t want to be an annoying burden, so I just internalize, internalize, internalize. It’s crazy – no woman is an island! I need to be better about sharing that kind of stuff with the WONDERFUL friends I’ve been blessed to make.

I’m also waaaaaaay too hard on myself, which compounds everything. I’m working so hard to make improvements, outside and inside, but I need to remember to give myself a break and be OK with calling my friends and family and saying, “I’m sad” or “I’m lonely” or “I’m scerred” or “I want to have sex with Conan O’Brien!”

P.S. He’s hosting the Emmy’s Sunday night. I think he’s so funny and therefore SO hot! He’s on my top 10 you know. Maybe soon I’ll share my entire list. It’s something to look forward too people!

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