Snap Out Of It!

In the last few weeks, I haven’t been posting every day. I’m having trouble deciding what I want to share on my blog and what I want to keep to myself. Things feel so shaky. Lean and I had a chat last week and something pretty significant hit me. Since I’ve so drastically changed my eating, I’ve lost my main coping mechanism. I’m having to deal with feelings I’ve managed to evade for a very long time. Overwhelmingly, I feel grief and loss. All these many years, I’ve been able to cope and keep functioning by overeating. Now I’m so vulnerable. I can’t even think about my Dad without crying. I can’t hear about what my Mom’s endured without feeling furious and bursting into tears. On top of recent stuff, I’m having to confront issues from a looooong time ago. It’s awful. It’s painful. It hurts! Now I understand why refined sugar was so appealing.

When I started this vittle smackdown, I decided it would be my main focus for quite some time because ultimately, my health is the most important thing. Of course I’m making changes that I’ll have to maintain for the rest of my life, but these first few years will be especially important. It didn’t occur to me that the loss of my long-time coping buddy would mean dealing with so much yucky stuff. It’s sparked a lot of anxiety which in turn (as is VERY common for me) is making me feel quite overwhelmed:

  • “I’m never going to finish building the new Web site in time – I’m gonna get fired!”
  • “My apartment is SUCH a mess! I don’t even know where to begin.”
  • “I have so much student loan debt, what’s the point of even trying to pay it off?”
  • “What about law school? Should I take an LSAT class? Should I talk to professors? Who can give me some freakin’ advise?”
  • “How in the hell am I going to make my car payment in law school?”
  • “What about living abroad for a few years and writing for a media organization?”
  • “When will I meet a boy? I’m trying not to worry about that but should I?”
  • “I know I’m only 30, but I want to have kids eventually. Do I need to start fretting about that now?”
  • “If I have kids, I’ve always thought I’d do freelance writing and stay home with them, but what about law school? If I don’t go, will I regret it?”

Ugh – SETTLE DOWN BEAVIS! Ever wise, Lean helped me realize I’m being too hard on myself AND have completely ignored the significance of my accomplishments to date – a lethal combination. So, I need to:

  • Find new coping skills (aka, get a therapist)
  • Keep focusing on my current goal
  • Make some general plans for long term goals, but keep things in perspective
  • Don’t be so hard on myself
  • Rub Abby’s velvety ears

Mymsie out! *double chest thump*

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