Please Send Cash in Lieu of Flowers

Yesterday’s silly post was merely a veiled attempt to hide my pain, to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. It’s just that I didn’t even get a chance to break it in. To lovingly chide it for hiding my keys. To apologize solemnly when my pen leaked all over its chic lining. To vow to never again leave a tub of greasy cuticle balm in it during the steamy summer months. I never had an opportunity to tote it breezily to a fun event, gushingly endlessly about how perfect it is. How its chunky, buckled pocket is surprisingly roomy. How fab its classic silhouette and modern touches are.  

When I turned the corner and padded slowly down the final purse isle last Sunday, I grumbled about the exceedingly droll selection. “No one is buying purses with straps that long!” and “Puh-lease, a mini backpack??” Certain I’d be leaving Marshall’s without a purchase, a glimmer caught my eye. It hung innocently behind an enormous, tacky beach bag, oblivious to its potential. “It’s perfect,” I gasped and gingerly pulled it from the cold, steel hanger. Raising my arm, I swung it daintily, drawing my head back to get a good idea of how it would look from afar. “That shiny rectangular clasp – it’s just the right touch!” I worried momentarily it might look cheap since it’s not made of leather but quickly assured myself this sassy poke was anything but cheap-looking. “Besides, why should an animal have to die for me to look stylish? It’s a political statement really, refusing to carry a leather purse!”

Funny that what attracted me to it ultimately resulted in its demise. Within a few days of carefully arranging my belongs into its compartmentalized womb, the sleek clasp snapped off. Just like that. Torn and dejected, my arm dropped heavily to my side. My mouth hung open as the contents of the purse tumbled onto the concrete, the clasp offering a final “plink” before settling several feet away.

Never again will I cozily stash lip gloss in one of its perfectly-sized inner pockets. Never will I feel the jealous glances and grin smugly, tightening my grip on its straps. Good bye Nine West Frame-Top Doctor’s Bag! I hardly knew ye.

P.S. I can’t be certain, but I think I might recover more quickly if you send me a Suede Car Satchel in green. Just sayin’.


One Response to “Please Send Cash in Lieu of Flowers”

  1. Amelia Says:

    Can you return it? Purses aren’t supposed to do that.

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