I Don’t Think Jared Would Approve

I had an experience last night that left me feeling less-than-confident in the rigors of Subway’s employment standards. I popped in around 8 p.m. to get my usual 6″ ham on white with tomatoes, pickles, green pepper, olives, and a smattering of mayo. As I approached the counter, I saw a rotund, bright-eyed, buzz-cut fella placing his order. He grinned and Forest-ishly quipped, “You like Subway, huh?” I should’ve taken this as a sign to rush out, purchase a taser, and return ripe for conflict, but instead smiled and affirmed his witty assumption. I quickly learned that he worked at Subway for 3 years but had managed to get past its nauseatingly-familiar smells and still loves its fare. This explained his order, which was without question the most ridiculous spectacle I’ve ever witnessed at ANY fooderie. It began in a deceivingly-ordinary fashion. He requested two foot-long subs with sundry processed meats and two layers of cheese on each. From there, things got weird. “I want A LOT of mayo. I mean, A LOT. Just keep it comin’ and when you think you’ve added a lot, add some more,” he solemnly requested. We’ve all encountered Subwayers with tastes some might consider uncommon but this guy was no mere “heavy on the honey mustard and banana peppers.” When he said he wanted “A LOT” of mayo, he was serious – really, frighteningly, don-a-life-jacket-and-pray-you-can-swim-in-viscous-liquid serious. It’s not an exaggeration to say that each of his subs ended up bearing between two and three cups of mayo. After it had been piped on using an industrial icing sleeve, he requested “TONS” of lettuce, onions, olives, salt, pepper, oil, and vinegar. He probably ordered other toppings but I can’t be sure because I blacked out for awhile. And in case there’s any question, let me assure you that by “TONS,” he meant “four times greater than what even the most ostentatious customer might consider ‘extra’.”

The girl behind the counter was a total pro. She acted like every customer orders a cubic yard of condiments and giggled about having just filled the now-empty mayo bottle. She even managed to laugh about the impossible task of halving and bagging Mr. Mayo’s monstrosities. “You might wanna double bag ’em,” he helpfully suggested.

When offered chips and a drink, he scoffed, “Nooooo, just the sandwiches.” I mean, what was that Subway employee thinking?? There’s no reason to suspect his satiety needs an extra nudge from Doritos to wane its dull roar. Come on – at least TRY to know your customer!

By the time it was my turn to select condiments, any lingering concerns I may have had about my social graces OR the voracity of my appetite had simply melted away. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no Jenny Craig but you can be certain that if I wanted that much mayo, I’d have some pride and apply it myself from a Sam’s-Club vat I kept at home.


2 Responses to “I Don’t Think Jared Would Approve”

  1. Mike Souders Says:

    I’m glad I was finished with my breakfast when I read that. Whoa! I can only picture Forrest telling us: “My Momma said that lots of Mayo is good for me!” or something….uggh

  2. PastaQueen Says:

    And he’s still probably going to be surprised when he has a heart attack before he’s 50. It’s weird how our culture encourages men to have voracious appetites but chides women for eating something heftier than a salad.

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