Remember last week when poor Moxy got so sick and found out she had a kidney stone? Instead of waiting for the inevitably unbearable pain of passing a “watermelon” through her “grape,” she had that mother surgically removed yesterday. The doctor described it as pea-sized and after seeing it last night, I’ll describe it as OH MY GOD. My thoughts are still riddled with pointy crystalline devils.
The deviant paper crafter in me started wondering where one might find a card for an occasion like this. I recently discovered these hilarious sentiment bearers but while they make me proud to be a stationary fanatic, none seem appropriate for such a delicate subject. Emily Post might suggest generic well wishes and flowers, but my friends deserve more dammit. There aren’t many words that rhyme with “ureter,” but after a bit of intellectual weight lifting, I came up with a few ideas. The first is a simple poem on a timeless theme:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Thank the Lord
That stone didn’t pass on through!
My second idea goes something like this. The front of the card will read:
Why was your kidney stone compared to a pea?
Inside the card you’ll find:
|Pea||Your Kidney Stone|
|A variable annual of the legume family||✓|
|Contained in a pod||✓|
|Makes a nice soup||✓|
|Better frozen than canned||✓|
|Pairs nicely with butter and/or mint||✓|
|Cooked ones moosh out gunk when you squish ’em||✓|
As you can see, they’re really not all that similar. Wocka wocka!
Right now you’re probably wondering if you can hire me to make cards for your next big event, but I’m pretty spent from all the grand pontification associated with Moxy’s stone, so I’m on sabbatical for now.
P.S. I’m not at liberty to reveal all the details but I can say I’m in negotiations with a well-known company whose name rhymes with “ballpark.” *wink wink nudge nudge*