At Last I Know How I’ll Die

Ever have an odd, twisting convo that ends with a sarky, maudlin revelation? Yeah, me neither but I did just have an interesting chat with a coworker. He’s an older guy – very sweet. He sports a mustache, sassy cowboy boots, and leads with a pleasant, round tummy. He usually passes my office several times a day and has recently begun stopping by to gab – just the kind of “bourgie behavior” that suits me nicely. Lately he’s shared riveting home improvement stories and today boasted about his new gutter covers. After explaining what gutter covers are, he expounded on what can happen when gutters get clogged. It’s serious business people – did you know bees have been known to take up residence in those mothers? That made me shudder fearfully ’cause I’m afraid of buzzers somethin’ tahr-bull! As if that wasn’t enough bee talk, next the Office Cowboy told the tale of how he found himself in the midst of a mini bee swarm last summer while working in his yard, adding that “For a big guy wearin’ boots, I moved pretty quick!” That (the bees, not the portly, running cowboy) reminded me of a story I read at the beginning of the week. Apparently a plane was grounded after a swarm of bees clogged its engine. I mentioned that to my new buddy, who said he’s heard stories of ducks getting sucked into planes’ engines too. Poor quackers! The thought first made me sad but then I felt warm and tingly when I realized I’ll probably die in some such ridiculous fashion. I’ll be flying to Hershey, PA to attend a Sugar Addicts convention when a cocky Mallard will flutter by and get his feathery arse sucked into my plane’s machinery, causing a crash in a flurry of down and duck bits. That’s the kind of thing that happens to the girl who burnt popcorn her first night in a college dorm, generating enough smoke to warrant the arrival of seven firetrucks as hundreds were forced to evacuate the building. I mean how else would someone who slipped on a banana peel in front of her entire high school die? It’s only fitting for me, the picture of grace and refinement, who once accidentally mooned an audience of innocent students exercising in an Indiana University gymnasium, to go out like that. It’s just how I roll!


One Response to “At Last I Know How I’ll Die”

  1. PastaQueen Says:

    I slipped on some milk in front of an elevator full of people once. I really hoped they’d just let the doors close and go down to the next floor, but no, they had to be all caring and concerned for my well-being. Then I had to ride down 11 floors with all of them.

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