7:32 p.m.: That’s right bitches – I’m reporting LIVE from WFYI‘s Lawrence Welk Night! (You’re jealous of my social life, right?) The station is airing non-stop Welk for the next few hours hoping to wrangle lots of pledges. I’m volunteering with Lean and Don Kramer to take calls and so far I’ve had more than $600 in contributions! Also let the record show that these wacky callers love them some Elle-Dubb! In truth I can’t get enough of the sassy costumes, coiffed-within-an-inch-of-their-lives ‘dos, and fancy footwork either.
7:40 p.m.: ALERT-ALERT– I just accidentally lost a caller from Muncie! Mr. H – you know who you are. I didn’t have an opportunity to tell you sir but you will receive your Lawrence Welk double-CD. Nobody doesn’t get their Thank You gift on my watch – thanks for your pledge!
7:55 p.m.: We’re nippin’ $7000 in pledges since my shift started at 7 p.m.!!!
8:23 p.m.: Note to staff – Lean’s super sexy phone voice has given me an idea. I think we should add a question to the script we read through when people call. Something along the lines of “No, I’m not wearing any panties, are you??”
8:24 p.m.: Note – Above suggestion not well received.
8:31 p.m.: We’ve switched over to some British music programming and the calls are still rollin’ in. We’re up to $8000 in pledges!
8:50 p.m.: $9000+ now! You should TOTES volunteer for WFYI, especially if Lean and I and Don Kramer are working. It’s loads of fun, a great cause, and you get free vittles – tonight they got us Subway. Eat fresh™!
9:14 p.m.: Other volunteers LOVE it when I sing “We got a groovy kind of looooooooooooOOOOOOoooooove!”
9:19 p.m.: I just got my second call from a hater. He didn’t give his name – just yelled in a gruff, angry voice. He said he’s enjoying the programming but it’s an insult to his intelligence that the show host wasn’t even alive in the 1960s. I asked him if he was wearing panties but he didn’t seem pleased.
9:34 p.m.: $11.5K baby!!!
9:58 p.m.: Good lord, we’ve started getting prank calls. “Vagh Qrzy” said he wanted to donate $200 and then erupted into prepubescent giggles. I could hear his cronies laughing too. Then “Vagh” called Lean and said he’d call back because he had to poo. Har har har. To the 13-year-olds with too much free time – rent Lord of the Flies!
10:12 p.m.: We’re gettin’ ready to wrap up baby and we’ve had a VERY successful evening – more than $16.5K in pledges! In summary:
- Subway is delicious…before the bread gets soggy.
- I ♥ Lawrence Welk!
- Someone please up Vagh’s Ritalin.
- Volunteer please!