I’m So Attractive Right Now

Allow me to sum up the last 36 hours by saying, um, achoo. You should see the piles of tissue everywhere. And then there are the ones Abby stealthily acquires and shreds into 50 million bits. In the bathroom, the bedroom, EVERYWHERE. Thank God for the Mega roll, without which I’d have had to leave the house LONG ago to score more schnozz-blowing material.

About 10 minutes ago, I finally went outside for more than 13 seconds but ended up feeling so feverish and achy that I had to rush in immediately following completion of the proud job of clearing up Abby’s poo. Round about that time, a cute boy (who somehow remembered my name) said hi. He was busy chillaxin on his porch and I KNOW he thought it was hot that I was carrying wads of used tissue and talking to myself while stumbling shakily across the parking lot. I won’t even bother to tell you the condition my hair was in. It’s just that when you haven’t had a sneeze-free moment for the last day and half, things like brushing your hair or wearing pants don’t seem that important.

Where in God’s name does all the snot come from? It’s literally pouring from my body, often before I can even get to a tissue. Wobbly sprints across my apartment are but pathetic attempts to achieve the dignity afforded when one luckily averts slime before it oozes happily from a throbbing nose. When I do blow, my ears make a crazy noise, like they’re plugged-in toasters that’ve just been immersed in water. Spppeeeekew! Prssst! Pkow!!! Then I can hear clearly for a good 30 or 40 seconds but it isn’t long before things are all clogged and far-away sounding again.

I’ve dried up all my energy stores typing out this all-to-detailed post, so now I must rest again. Be thinking of clever ways to conceal a bright-red, tissue-worn schnoozle. It feels like my nose may just fall off so don’t put yourself out too much.


4 Responses to “I’m So Attractive Right Now”

  1. PastaQueen Says:

    I once had a horrible cold on the day I had to take an hour-long test. I sat down in the front row with a roll of toilet paper and blew my nose every two minutes or so to prevent snot from spotting my test paper as I leaned over it. I’m sure it made me very popular with my fellow students.

    Have you seen those netty pot thingys? I have no idea if they work, but I’m sure you could find a kitchsy one that would make a good decoration even if you didn’t use it.

  2. Kriss Says:

    Sorry you’re feeling yukky. Are you wheezing, too, when you inhale? Sounds like a sinus infection, or killer allergies. 😦

    I swear by Claritin . . . but if you’re not feeling better tomorrow, call your doctor. If it’s a sinus infection, it ain’t gonna go away on it’s own.


  3. Creekle Says:

    Aww! Sorry to hear that you’re not feeling well. From a girl that gets at least one nasty sinus infection each year, I can recommend the wonder that is Zicam. Plus, I’ve found that lots of daytime tv while lounging on a couch with a cold compress can be especially curative.

    Get well soon!

  4. Hooker Says:

    the worst is when you blow and blow and blow and fill the tissue with a half quart of goo and you feel no less full than you did before the effort.

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