“They Need More Men in the Box”

A few weekends ago, Lean and I went with Mox to a fun little soirée her friends were having. At first, the hipster 20-somethings vibe burned my eyes a little but things soon livened up. As friends are wont to do in unfamiliar situations, Lean and Mox and I stuck together and ended up chillin’ in front of a football game on TV. In part, we gravitated to a professional sports viewing because we’re all bearers of great athletic prowess. Also, there were enough seats for us in the TV room.

Because our milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, a handsome lad joined us. He seemed to know a bit about football so we started talking about sports jargon. I asked if he could recommend a universal statement to make in discussions involving football games. Based on another play with religious connotations, I suggested “Looks like they’re runnin’ a Pentecostal Push” while our new friend proposed something more vague like “That’s an L7 formation.” While clever, neither felt authentic so I decided further investigation was required.

I soon met a yellow-blonde-haired fellow sporting a loud vintage button down. (He had a penchant for talking about his testicles, perhaps a topic for another post.) I explained my quandary and left him to ponder it as I made a few laps around the party.

I eventually made my way back to blondie who, after a great deal of thought, had come up with something. “They need more men in the box,” he offered flatly. He mumbled something about an area of the field called the box, but I didn’t ask for a complicated explanation. We agreed that a crucial part of the delivery involves preceding the comment with a head shake and a look of utter disgust.

Bursting with excitement, I made my way back to the TV area and tried out the new conversational gem. The first guy I’d chatted with was VERY impressed. It’s ambiguous and authoritative enough to keep anyone from challenging you.

So the next time you find yourself embroiled in a snoozer convo about football, wait for a pause, shake your head, give a disgusted frown, and say, “They need more men in the box.” Genius, right?

P.S. One of the party hosts had the coolest squishy ball of all time. You know the ones I’m talking about – you squeeze and squish ’em to relieve stress? I have an affinity for toys of this nature but have never played with one as amazing and satisfying as this. At first, it seems like an average squishy ball but you soon learn that when squeezed, the net around it makes lots of disgusting-yet-mesmerizing squidgy blobs (See also: Why blondie mentioned his testicles.) I later learned that it came from Pier 1 Imports. So far I’ve been unable to find one online but my search will not stop!

Updated to add: Apparently soon after we left the party, the Holy Grail of toys was accidentally destroyed. No witnesses have come forward to offer their testimony. The party hosts are considering filing a civil suit.

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