Placenta on the Brain

I thought I’d interrupt all this nonsense jibber jabber with what else, but more nonsense jibber jabber? I’m sure by now you’re well aware of my many savant-like qualities, not the least of which is how I process information. Anytime I learn something new, my brain goes into auto-repeat mode. I mull the information over and over until it’s incorporated into the database in my giant noggin. So for example, if I learn a new word, I can’t stop obsessing over it, processing its definition and use until some indeterminate time at which my subconscious is apparently satisfied and ready to go back to thinking about bacon.

Yesterday while I read All & Sundry’s post about her upcoming C-section, I made the mistake of clicking a link to placenta recipes, my punishment for which was spending the next 15 minutes throwing up in my mouth as I read about various preparations for what amounts to BABY LEAVIN’S. Now I’ve heard about people and animals eating the placenti (?) of their spawn but to behold recipes boasting notes of nutmeg and cardamom sounded the final death knell on any ideas I may have had about discontinuing use of The Pill.

While my lady parts ostensibly shut down for business, I couldn’t help but research this gnarly-but-intriguing organ a bit more. After some reading, looking at pictures, and adding Everything I Always Wanted to Know About Placentae But Was Afraid to Ask to my Amazon.com wishlist, I moved on to more fruitful endeavors like downloading porn and entering codes at MyCokeRewards.com.

Little did I know that I’d once again have occasion to ponder the miracle of birth when Poorod called last night. It was nice to chat with him but frankly, he wouldn’t shut up. I mentioned several times how tired I was and that I needed to go but he kept on and on, telling story after story until I apparently dozed off. Anyone who’s ever slept with me knows that I talk in my sleep and mumble a lot, especially when I first fall asleep. I’m not proud of it but last night after falling asleep while talking to Poorod, I woke myself up saying, “Some people eat the placenta!”

Apparently visions of placentae were still dancing in my head from my investigation earlier in the day. At first I felt calm but soon the painful reality that we hadn’t been talking about placentae came crashing down. I don’t think I have the appropriate vocabulary to describe what a mortification it was and how frantic I was to come up with some kind of explanation. He immediately said, “Huh?!” and all I could manage was, “Did you hear a weird beeping? Is your phone beeping?” He either chose to spare me or truly had no idea what I’d dropped into conversation so thankfully, I was off the hook.

Don’t think I haven’t learned my lesson! From now on, when I’m on the horn and feel tired, I’m just going to say, “I need to hang up now or I’LL START TALKING ABOUT AFTERBIRTH!”

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5 Responses to “Placenta on the Brain”

  1. Bumpster Says:

    Maybe the dingo ate your baby!!

    http://www.walgreens.com/beauty/product.jsp?CATID=304572&navAction=jump&navCount=0&id=prod1418611

  2. westwardbound Says:

    I never caught sight of Pitter’s, because I was busy at the time, but my husband still has nightmares from it “just sitting there in a pan for WAY too long!”

    Burying it under some familial tree? Maybe.
    Eating it? I’d rather be pregnant forever.

  3. SweetBasta Says:

    I do think that this will become the best conversation ender ever. Whenever a conversation starts heading in a direction you don’t wan’t to go, or if you are getting bored or tired of listening to someone talk, just state clearly and with conviction “Some people eat the placenta!”. Another good one is to just say “Aaaaaand…Cut! Ok people good work. It’s a wrap.”, or if the person you are talking with is good looking “Aaaand…Cut! Ok let’s try it again, but take your shirt off this time.” That will make them feel like they are actors and they will forget all about the boring story they were telling. w00t!

  4. Kriss Says:

    Do the Placenta Eaters also ingest their own toenail clippings? Because it seems like they just might.

    Hey – they could bring a new dynamic onto Lost, though. The Tailies, The Others, and now, The Placenta Eaters! 😀

  5. Amy Says:

    Gross!

    I remember watching my guinea pig eat the placenta… I found it fascinating, but people????

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