Weird Things I’ve Swallowed: Part One

There comes a time in every blogger’s servitude when she’s forced to reveal things, certain gnarly things in the name of entertainment. And given that I’ve spent the greater part of my life in utter humiliation, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make in the hopes that you, dear reader, will crack a smile before sundown.

When you have a wealth of stories of this nature, it’s often best to recount them chronologically unless some general themes or patterns are evident, in which case you might want to present your mortifications in a non-linear fashion. Being a traditional girl, as Fraulein Maria did before me, I’ll start at the very beginning.

But first, for those of you who have less than a minute to waste, I offer the short version of my sordid tale:

One time, I drank bees.

As for the rest of you? Brevity be damned!

I’m not sure how old I was, but I would guess six or seven. My family was still living in North Carolina. I can’t remember if I was at summer camp or a family picnic but my lunch was packed in a Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox if I remember correctly, complete with a thermos full of Kool-Aid. After lunch, which I’ll shamelessly admit may very well have included a potted meat sandwich, I skipped off to enjoy the frivolity of what would soon become my Pre-Bee Drinking Days. After playing for awhile, hot and sweaty I returned to my thermos, which I’d left sitting on a picnic table. Unaware of Mother Nature’s sometimes-vengeful wrath, I’d innocently left the spout open. Desperate for the sweet nectar of youth, I grabbed my thermos, tipped my head back, and began the delightful process of polishing off my Kool-Aid. But instead of the satisfaction of a good and proper thirst quenching, my mind was inundated with unfamiliar sensory information. First the acrid heat of fetid Kool-Aid and then the sensation of peculiar lumps brushing the insides of my flushed cheeks. What could this “bee,” I wondered. In a manner that would later become my standard operating procedure, I catastrophically imagined worst-case scenario after worst-case scenario. A smelly boy had filled my thermos with cooties or the boogie man had come out from under my bed long enough to turn my Kool-Aid into worm guts! But nothing I imagined could compare with the awful truth.

Later, after I’d spewed a mouthful of Kool-Aid and bees two or three football field lengths, my Mom calmly explained to me how bees were attracted to sugar and on this lucky day had found the gate to my sucrose well wide open.

To this day, I’m inordinately terrified of bees. I’m always impressed with how nonchalant people remain around what to me appears to be humankind’s most formidable foe, these fluttering, buzzing beasts who can stab you with their poisonous heinies. POISON HEINIES! And like any self-respecting adult without a modicum of sense, when confronted with this monstrosity, I employ the tried and true Double-S Method. Shriek and Swat people. Shriek and Swat.

P.S. I’ll spare you the winding manner in which I found myself mulling over this topic, but will note that it’s in part due to a phobia-related post Jonniker cited in a recent entry. I too am cursed with this fear of clusters of small things, most notably, honeycombs. *shudder*

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4 Responses to “Weird Things I’ve Swallowed: Part One”

  1. Amy Says:

    Come on, you should have titled the post POISON HEINIES!

  2. Kriss Says:

    Sorry for your pain, Myms, but I’m totally going to use that phrase, too!!!

    POISON HEINIES!!!!!

  3. Worker Mommy Says:

    I came by way of Moosh in Indy as i couldn’t resist your post title.
    Swallowing bees, yikes , that is rather nasty…

    My son might be able to do you one better though…or at least compete. That little bugger (no pun intented) swallowed not one but two quarters…there is a picture in my archives if you dare (check June 07 archives)

  4. Mymsie Says:

    @ Worker Mommy: Oh my LORD – That tops my bee drinkin’ HANDS DOWN! Your poor son – and poor you too! You must have been worried sick. Thank goodness everything turned out OK. Yowsa! That will make a great story to share with his prom date someday. 😉

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