TMI

One afternoon last December my Dad said, “You don’t hear a lot about people having boils anymore do you?” I giggled because that woeful arcane affliction has always had a special place in my family’s vernacular. Many of my Dad’s exaggerated tales of Southern codgers have featured boils. The boil joke even enjoyed a resurgence when I was in high school. One evening I was watching Extra, hosted by Maureen O’Boyle. When my Dad heard her name he thought for a minute and quipped, “I bet Maureen has a brother named Lance.” To this day, that comedic gem is retold at every family function.

All this boil talk is to help explain why I said what I said in the story I’m about to tell you. After lunch, the receptionist and I were talking about the hundred feet of snow that’s supposedly headed our way. As dreamers often do, we wondered whether it would be bad enough for our office to close tomorrow. She told me she’d already requested a vacation day and asked if I had. I said no and joked, “But I’ll just call in and tell them I have a boil that needs to be lanced.” Without missing a beat the receptionist said, “You have a boil? I’ve got one too! I didn’t know you’re not supposed to use Bath & Body wash on your privates and now I have a boil down there.”

SERIOUSLY

Tip: Although crying “Boil!” is a great excuse, it’s not the one I most commonly employ when joking around. Anytime someone seeks advice on how to get out of a dreaded commitment, I usually suggest announcing you have bloody diarrhea. Yes, it’s hideously disgusting but it’s also a definite conversation stopper. The victim will generally do whatever is necessary to keep from hearing any more about your predicament, leaving you free to bail on any obligation. Try it sometime – it works!

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4 Responses to “TMI”

  1. Chi Says:

    What in the *#^&#$^&# did she do with that soap?? I’ve never gotten a pootie boil from B&BW products. Good lawd!

  2. Kriss Says:

    How much scrubbing did her lady bits need????? YIKES!

  3. SweetBasta Says:

    I have been trying now for some time to come up with a clever comment for this post, but everything I come up with is either too disgusting for even I to put to the keyboard, or more childish than clever. I will refrain then from attempting to heighten this post with a clever comment. I will go on to state the observation though that Mimsy has a way of making people feel very comfortable. Even to the point of them feeling a need to tell her about infections brought about by vigorous privates scrubbin.

    Love the brother Lance bit!

  4. Kristin J Says:

    thank God I am self employed or I would be gettin’ a pink slip right now for shooting coffee out of my nose laughing so hard. The comments are hysterical too – “lady bits”, “pootie boil” btw, these would be great punk rock band names, eh?

    My favorite diarrhea excuse is “explosive diarrhea” but bloody is good, too.

    gotta go, I have a coffee spill to clean up.

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