Great Opener

What’s that you say? You want the latest from the land of Internet dating? Well you know I’m always more than happy to oblige (but not on the first date – hooooo!) So the site I’m on has an instant messaging feature. It’s been useful maybe once or twice but mostly just provides a steady stream of unseemly offers. I logged on the other day to check my messages and was hit with this winner:

Favorite position?

Oh xxjumpman87xx, isn’t the indignity of Internet dating enough? Must we also completely strip our interactions of polite chit chat and warm-up banter? I mean, what is there to lose by paying homage to Emily Post? Even if you’re only interested in Making Sexy Times, wouldn’t it at least be nice to have something to talk about while you’re getting dressed afterward?

There’s a lot more to say on that topic, but for now let’s talk poo. Lately I’ve been preoccupied with it. In truth I’m predisposed to this sort of puerile pondering because my parents were relatively strict about the ways my brother and I were allowed to refer to that sort of thing. The end result is that we’re both in our 30s and giggle like Beavis and Butthead any time we hear a pseudonym for poo, with the perfunctory “bowel movement” being the absolute funniest phrase a human being can utter. In fact at a family holiday celebration about 10 years ago, far past a time when either my brother or I had the excuse of youth, my Mom got so frustrated with our poo talk and was so desperate for us to leave the kitchen she blurted out, “Why don’t you go bowel movement on the stairs!” Yes, I’m sorry to say an adult with a Ph.D. was forced to say that to her two adult children, one of whom was in the process of acquiring a college education. Unfortunately it only fueled our methane-fumed fire and now we frequently joke about pooping on stairs.

With that in mind, I hung out with my friend George recently. George owns a house and told me about a block in his sewer line. I’ve never known anyone who had a problem like this, made all the more interesting because it involved poo. The journalist in me had to know every last detail but what I learned has basically derailed my life. Have you ever thought about what happens after you flush? George told me the gist (which may or may not be correct) and it’s my understanding that after a great deal of treatment, that poo and the poo of thousands of others is in our drinking water. Is this true? Did you know about this? How can we be expected to go on under these circumstances? Can someone please shed some light on this terrible topic in the hopes that one day, I’ll be able to sleep again without visions of poo dancing in my head?

Thank you.

P.S. Suddenly it’s occurring to me that my poo leanings and Internet dating plight might not be unrelated. 😉 Thoughts?


5 Responses to “Great Opener”

  1. westwardbound Says:

    He is *clearly* referring to positions in football because it is simply not possible that a handsome young gentleman like that would be so forward. Plus he’s a 75% match! See? Problem solved!

    I am vaguely aware of the sewer treatment water process. I try not to think about it.

  2. SweetBasta Says:

    OK, his username xxjumpman87xx should have been the first clue. There are 4 Xs in his handle which makes him one X stronger than XXX. Then he has jumpman in the middle and I don’t think it means he is a sky-diver. Westwardbound is right though at least he is a 75% match, and I notice that he is a 0% enemy. How do you become a high percentage enemy? This site must be for Love and War, oh well all is fair.

    I laugh at the different ways in which we can say Donkey Leavin’s as well.

  3. Amy Says:

    1. David was remodeling at our friends’ house and dared to bring a puppy over. The rigidly-clean woman of the house declared she thought the dog needed to go outside and poop. David said no way, and as soon as she went upstairs, puppy had, uh, loose BM up and down every brand new stair that had been installed the previous day. He and his friend (the man of the house) tried valiantly but failed to clean it before she smelled it.

    2. Every time it rains more than 0.25 inches, Indy rivers and streams are full of poo and anything else that goes down the toilet. Hence the water system rebuild and water bills going up. It’s a CRAYZEE system.

  4. Matthew Says:

    It’s a perfectly valid question that he asks. Just think how much time and awkward fumbling the answer to that would save down the road.

    Veolia Water has had a class action suit against them for several years now for grossly over charging people. It’s a poorly managed company. It’s in legal tie-ups. I signed the petition and get regular updates on the suits progress. Do a Google search on this and see what you can find. I can’t recall the name of the law firm who is spearheading this.

    People need to get past the idea of “poo” in the water system. When you get down to it, how is “poo” any different than plain old dirt. It’s just the idea that it’s “poo” that people find objectionable. Granted you don’t want “poo” or dirt in your drinking water. . .but the same bacteria and contaminates are in dirt (probably worse) as in “poo.”

  5. Amy Says:

    I think we take for granted that our country’s waterways will effectively dilute and filter whatever crap (pun intended) we flush (again) into them; the combined sewer system was indeed designed to keep the sewer waste from entering water streams, but it can’t handle the capacity when there is a big rainfall and all the rain water takes up that capacity instead.

    It’s not just that I don’t want the poo in the water when it gets back to my faucet; I think it’s irresponsible to have that poo (and tampons and anything else we flush) going in the river and affecting the fishies and the rest of the ecosystem. I’m not afraid of contaminants after the processing, but afraid we underestimate our impact on our resources before that point.

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