Archive for the ‘Capitalist Pig’ Category

Rebecca Black Should Sing A Song About Thursday

July 28, 2011

I’ve got 3 actual posts in the hopper, which I’m hoping to finish soon. In the meantime, here are some things I love:

This sweet necklace I just bought as a little reward for successfully completing my first month of MOM. (Moxy treated herself to a condo-spiffing by Merry Maids. Her place looked so fresh & clean!)
Bird necklace

This precious handful o’ bun:
Handful o' Fun

This peaceful dock in Maine:
Maine

This beautiful vintage crewel:
Vintage Crewel

This simple southern greeting & color palette:
hey y'all

This lovely, feminine shorter hair style. Every once in a while I toy with going this length:
Shorter Hair Style

These to-die-for Anthro wedges I’ve looked high and low for and cannot find:
Anthro Wedges

This flowers in mason jars arrangement:
Flowers in Mason Jars

Advertisements

Tinkle Tale

May 20, 2011

Last weekend I was humbled by the indelicate task of retrieving a specimen of Abby’s urine. I’m sharing this because if you’ve been a reader for even a short time, you know how glamorous my life is and this is no doubt the kind of captivating story that keeps you coming back. Normally the patient, experienced vet techs get urine samples but Abby went on strike and refused to pee. She was probably mad because she thought we were merely taking a walk, when instead we were going to the vet. It’s right across the street from my apartment so we stroll over as it’s easier than loading her into the car, where she pants and chirps and sheds 10 layers of fluff. Now we’ve taken the walk enough times that she knows a certain direction equals vet time so the next time we go, I’ll probably have to tie a piece of bacon to a string and hang it in front of her face to coax her.

You’re probably wondering how one retrieves urine from a hound, so let me tell you. The vet gave me a fancy plastic tray with lots of convenient little divots for urine to pool in. You simply follow your pup and in one swift movement, thrust the tray under her booty as she expels. Because I’m a hard-headed eejit, I didn’t think that would work and why would I assume that experts knew what they were talking about anyway? Instead I tried shoving the tray in from the side. I anxiously pulled it out from under her to find only a few strands of booty fluff. This happened on a morning when a phone company technician was parked right by the potty area. The look he gave me as I performed the odd ritual made my face burn with humiliation.

The next morning I tried again using the technique the vet tech suggested. I had to sort of lift Abby’s big fluffy tail to get the tray positioned properly. She turned her head around and looked at me like, “What in God’s name are you doing woman?” but happily filled the tray with revolting pools of pee pee. I was so excited that I jumped up but then remembered the shame I’d felt the day before when I was being watched. I calmly looked around and saw no witnesses, after which I skipped inside to pour the specimen into a cup.

The reason I needed to collect urine was Abby had been begging to go out over and over, even when she’d already done her business. I thought she might have a UTI but the specimen revealed no problems. No doubt she was just torturing me for her own amusement.

This post can’t just be about piss so I’ll also mention that I went to the fabric store last week and was shocked to find that it had been totally renovated. I hadn’t been literally in months because I decided not to allow myself to buy anymore fabric until I used some of my stash. Still, I feel like I should’ve been notified about the changes and sent a detailed layout of the new floor plan so I could study it and not feel so at odds in what normally feels like home. The reason I broke my fabric store fast was to get embroidery floss for this adorable pattern, which I plan to hang in my bathroom. I’ve only ever cross stitched but the pattern Web site has great how-to videos so I’m excited to give it a whirl.

Edited to add: I feel compelled to come clean and tell you that I also bought fabric at the fabric store. I had seen this adorable pear print on Flickr & just couldn’t resist. And it was on sale! Do you see now why I can’t go often?

Pear Fabric

Booted Up

January 11, 2011

I was excited for today’s snowfall so I’d finally have a chance to wear my sassy new snow boots. (Update: Looks like they’re sold out. See pic here.) I got them for 40%-off because I’m a sale-stalking rock star. They’re not quite broken in yet but they’re so warm and cozy. Bring it, winter – I’m ready!

New Year’s resolutions mean it’s been busy the last few times I’ve been to the pool but last night my lap lane was like rush hour in Manhattan. At various points, I shared a lane with 2 different people, each of whom I accidentally breast-stroke kicked at least once. We were  flanked by swimming lessons and a water aerobics class, making for choppy waters and wavering lane lines, which I (mostly) successfully navigated. When I got out of the pool, I felt like I should’ve been awarded some sort of High Seas Swimming Simulation medal but was only met with chilly air and a revolting hairball in the locker room shower drain.

Last weekend in another sale-stalking frenzy, Moxy and I went to Kohl’s armed with a killer coupon. I got several frames, which I brought home and carefully Windexed. Then I cropped my precious pictures and positioned them in the frames. About that time I realized that none of the frames had a hanging mechanism or even a smidge of overlap to catch on a nail. I can’t really return them so I’m stuck trying to figure out how to hang the little buggers. I rigged a crude method involving 2 nails and a bit of string, which worked but the nails and string showed, looking rather ridiculous and outwardly mocking the validity of my college education. Any suggestions?

My feet are very ticklish so I don’t know if I could use this but for some reason, I find it mesmerizing. “It’s like a car wash for your feet!” I especially love the guy in the shower sniffing his stinky shoe. Who hasn’t been there? 😉

We Know How To Live, Baby

November 3, 2010

Attention: This post is optimized for reading while listening to Gwen Stefani sing about luxurious linens:

Oh, how I love Target’s elusive orange clearance sticker. Through careful study, I’ve ferreted out the lower-profile endcaps at my local Targets where I’m most likely to find good deals. Even if I just pop in to buy dish soap, I always cruise by a few key locations to make sure I’m not missing any deep discounts. Several Saturdays ago, I found some plush bath towels for dirt cheap and satin pillowcases for less than $3/each. I’ve never had them before but it sounded like a bed linen I could get behind. I’ve also read that satin pillowcases are more gentle on your hair while you’re sleeping, so you’ll end up with less damage and split ends. I don’t know if that part is true, but I’ll report back with my findings.

So far, I’m not sure I like them. For one thing, it’s static-cling season and they seem to be extra conductive. Last night I couldn’t relax because my bangs kept sticking straight up. The satin feels lovely against my skin but is so slippery, I can’t properly stack and fold my pillows without them shifting all over the place. Maybe I should get new pillows but I can see that kicking off a cycle that ends with me having to buy a new house perfectly suited to satin pillowcases. Alas, sometimes the tantalizing clearance sticker leads me awry.

Edited to add: I forgot to mention that I tweeted about my new pillowcases and Target totally tweeted me back!

Target Tweet

Interior Decorating Dilemma

July 19, 2010

Well I’d planned to blog about one first world problem but ended up discovering another: I can’t find my digital camera battery charger. I feel like I’ve spent a significant amount of time, like enough to have gotten an MBA instead, looking for my camera and its accessories over the years. Someone a bit more clever might’ve decided to corall them in one location but that is WAY too forward-thinking for me. In the meantime, please ‘scuse my crappy cell phone pics.

On to the initial problem. I plan on replacing my living room furniture within the year. My couch is on its last legs but I’m eking out all the wear I can from it. My parents bought the chair I’m sitting in some time in the late 80s. The cushions have been replaced and recovered but it’s still in great shape structurally, I’m just not in love with the style. In truth I’ve grown so attached to it (especially with its super-handy movable add-a-space), I’ll probably just move it to another nook of my apartment when I get a new living room chair.

Another important tidbit is a dining area. I have a cute little sunroom that would be perfect but in a shocking display of skewed priorities, it’s become my crafts & sewing room. I have some space in an actual dining room, but need dining furniture. I’ve been looking at dining sets but the ones I like are pretty pricey and my first priority is getting a new couch.

So in an effort to make ends meet, I’ve done quite a lot of thrifting in the last few months, hoping to find some goodies. I’ve scored some great stuff, mostly vintage linens for sewing, which I’ll show you when I find my camera battery charger. I’ve kept a constant eye out for furniture I could repurpose for some of my needs and yesterday, after months of diligent searching, I hit the motherload. At a local Salvation Army, I found 2 chairs that, with a little work, would be perfect for my dining room. I sat in them for almost an hour trying to decide and ultimately went for it:

Chair 1

First of all, they were only $8/each. Also I knew I could fairly easily sand them down, paint them with a fresh coat, and recover the cushions with pretty IKEA fabric in my stash. They would be perfect for a small dining table and would also be great for reading nestled next to my bookcases. I was seriously chuffed, especially after a woman in line complimented my find.

Next I hit a local Goodwill and right inside the door, found two of these:

Chair 2

Goodwill often gets Target castoffs, as I’m pretty sure these are. The fabric is a lovely Ultrasuede and the chairs are sturdy-but-comfortable. They have a few nicks and scuffs but only cost $15/each. I sat in them for nearly an hour as well trying to figure out what to do. Naturally I’d find these puppies on the day I’d already found chairs. Goodwill has a 7-day return policy so I decided to get the chairs and try them out in my apartment. I did just that and I think they’re a little too big for my dining space. They might work in my bedroom but it would be a tight squeeze and I don’t do a lot of sitting in there. (I don’t mean that in a dirty way but it sure does sound like it, huh?) If I had the room, I’d just store the red chairs until I could use them but that’s not an option. I think the best thing to do is return them and go with my first purchase but they’re SUCH a great find, I hate to give them up. So I decided to do what any blogger with a quandary would do → poll the Internets. Your help in this urgent matter is greatly appreciated!

Edited to add: Polldaddy isn’t letting me see the “Other” answers you guys are suggesting so feel free to add them to the comments instead.

Gag Me With a Spoon

March 15, 2010

Hot Tub Time Machine wasn’t the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen (anything with Ben Stiller in it comes to mind, although I’m willing to concede this could redeem him) but it was no cinematic masterpiece either, as I expected. The upside was the totally tubular 80s music played throughout the movie. Lean and I were bouncing in our seats and reminiscing about the Guess triangle and frizzy perms. (I feel compelled to note that I never owned any Guess denim but remember spotting it on many booties back in the day.)

I got my laptop back awhile ago and my precious pictures were rescued but this hunk o’ hardware is on the verge of merely functioning as a paperweight. The guy who fixed it reinstalled Windows but it’s still slow as hell and arbitrarily stops recognizing keystrokes. It already had 2 missing keys but a few days ago the Backspace key came off and now cannot be coaxed back on, at least with my limited knowledge. It still works but requires WAY too much cognitive overhead. You have to stop typing and press really hard, sometimes several times, on the bare metal pad. Given that I make a lot of mistakes typing, this is quick way to irritate the hell out me.  All this means I must prepare to buy a new one and hardware baffles me. Can someone please just tell me the best one to get? My current one is a Dell and it’s been OK but I don’t know that I’d buy another.

Because of all the rain, there are pockets of mud all around my apartment. Abby has found every one and tracked in many adorable but unsightly paw prints, especially around her food and water bowls in the kitchen. I’m pretty sure she considered it an art installation and had plans to charge a hefty fee for viewings. And so I spent all day  undoing her work and über-cleaning my kitchen. It was no easy task and I still smell like Tilex but it sure is satisfying to see it all spick-and-span. Now no one may tread on my shiny, clean floors and certainly no messy cooking or food preparation shall take place in there.

I’ve been anxiously awaiting the launch of Liberty of London’s line for Target, which was today and both bags I want are already sold out on the Web site. Hopefully I’ll be able to find one in a store. I missed the Orla Kiely for Target boat and am still kicking myself. (The products are going for a fortune on eBay.) Liberty of London and Orla Kiely are both normally waaaaay out of my price range but my wallet could sustain a few purchases from their more reasonably priced Target lines. What are you coveting these days? (Update: Looks like there’s more stock online now. To avoid shipping costs, I’m going to check a local store first.)

Not Freezing My Credit Cards Just Yet

January 29, 2010

Have I mentioned that I don’t like shopping? It somehow triggers a convergence of my neuroses and I find myself loathing every minute. I go to great lengths to get in and out with a minimum of muss and fuss. And so last week, when I finally made it to the checkout after an especially big haul, I was ready to abandon my cart and run screaming from the store. I started loading my things onto a rickety conveyor belt and when I picked up a package of q-tips from my cart, its cardboard lid fell off and q-tips spilled everywhere. The look on the cashier’s face told me that had we been in the wild, he would’ve chased me a short distance, followed by mauling me and defiling my carcass all while a British gentleman narrated the kill in a tense, hushed voice.

The exception to my anti-shopping rule is of course fabric and craft stores. I can spend hours in one, completely unaware of the passage of time, finally emerging with a maniacal grin on my face and my clothes covered in multi-colored threads from the 70 bolts of fabric I sorted through. Although I love that kind of shopping, packing and moving last year forced me to come to grips with how much crafty accoutrement I had accumulated. My fabric stash was especially shameful, given I’d only been sewing for a few years. And so in 2009, I banned any craft and fabric purchases. I stuck to my guns too, except for 2 yards I bought at IKEA in Chicago.

Most recently, this easy-peasy tute got me knitting again. I just finished a hat for myself and am working on one for Moxy to match the scarf I knitted her last Christmas. But when I ran out of yarn the other night and had to go to Jo-Ann Fabric after such a long absence, I wondered if I might experience some sort of sensory overload and pass out in the remnants bin. Fortunately I left with only a skein of yarn and a pom-pom maker and so perhaps I’ll narrowly avoid a guest appearance on Hoarders after all.

Parasitic Bullet Dodged

June 27, 2009

I’ve had the heebie jeebies for the last 24 hours. Thankfully after a doctor’s appointment this afternoon, my worst fears were allayed. My friends and I rented cabins in northern Indiana last weekend. We had a ball splashing in a nearby lake and irritating the locals. By Monday, I was exhausted from all the fun and took the day off work. I ended up hanging with Moxy at her pool, which sits in front of a picturesque lake. Monday evening, I discovered 10+ mosquito bites on the tops of each foot. Comforted only by what my Dad used to tell me when I was little (“You got so many bug bites because you’re so sweet!”), I nearly scratched myself to death. I tried several over-the-counter remedies all to no avail. Yesterday someone saw the little red bumps on my feet and suggested they weren’t bug bites. I immediately went into panic mode, remembering my friends’ horror stories about getting scabies from the sand during spring break. Naturally, a Google search (trust me, you don’t want to look) only heightened my panic. I steadied myself and made a doctor’s appointment for this afternoon. All morning I mulled over how I’d become the poster child for scabies awareness, assuring anyone who’d listen that I wasn’t dirty or promiscuous. Luckily the doctor took a thorough look at my feet and solemnly informed me I just had some nasty bug bites. PHEW!!

To avoid anymore outdoorsy debacles, Moxy and I are headed to Chicago this weekend to attend a sexy party and visit IKEA, where I plan to buy a sewing table. I’ve never been to an IKEA before and it’s shameful how excited I am. Plants, fabric, Swedish meatballs, and furniture with names like Ektop Blorp and Sven Gablooten! Stay tuned for a riveting post spending frenzy debriefing.

Some Things Jumbling About In My Brain

November 7, 2008

Warning: This is going to be one of those posts that’s all over the place. In fact, I think I’ll just use bullets and forgo any semblance of coherent sentences organized into thoughtful paragraphs.

  • Did you catch The Office last night? I missed it (for reasons I will soon explain) but I just watched it online and one scene in particular was HILARIOUS. It’s utterly juvenile and simple-minded and I loved every minute of it!
  • I have a painful bump on my gums and made the mistake of Googling to diagnose the problem. Oh God, if it turns out to be some of the awful things I found, I’d rather be taken to a field and destroyed than endure the horror.
  • You know how they say, you are what you eat? I suppose the same is true of your friends. Not that you eat them but that you’re a lot like them. And if that’s the case, this picture I took of my friends last Friday at brunch is probably a good barometer of my mental health:

    Crazy friends

  • Last night I did A Smart. You see, when I teach in the evenings, Abby’s generous Aunties (Lean & Moxy) often take her outside since I don’t get home until late. Lean tried to take Abbs out last night but couldn’t get into my apartment. The reason is because the Todd Oldham proteges running my apartment complex arbitrarily decided to take out the gold doorknobs and locks and replace them with brushed silver ones. We were warned but I didn’t realize it was happening so soon, so I didn’t bring the new key they gave me and of course Lean didn’t have one either. After a long night in a DreamBeaver workshop, this was the last thing I wanted to deal with. I called my apartment complex’s emergency number and a rude man snapped, “You were instructed to put the new key on your key chain immediately.” I wanted to say, “Well you’ve been instructed to KISS MY ASS” but I decided that wouldn’t be a relationship-enhancing behavior. After a short wait, a nice fellow let me in and told me I was one of three idiots who’d been unable to handle the simple transition. Oops.
  • If you feel blue, you should watch these buns eating some naners and then you’ll feel better:
  • Tonight Mox and I are seeing Rachel Getting Married and I’m very excited. When I first heard about Anne Hathaway playing a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed black sheep, I cringed. After all, this is the same girl who starred in some Disney flick about princesses. But the more I’ve read about the movie, the more impressed I’ve been. I think she might actually be a good actress! I’ll report back with my findings:
  • I love edamame but recently discovered I’m not a big fan of soy nuts.
  • A few months ago, I fell in love with a picture I found while browsing Flickr. I asked the photographer if I could buy a print from her but a million roadblocks have gotten in her way. She finally decided to send me a high-res version to print on my own, which I thought was so kind. And look at this picture – isn’t it lovely?

    Love

    P.S. If you’re bored, you can check out my other Flickr faves here.

  • I’m getting really excited for the holidays, especially for the crafts I want to make. I plan to try to make all of my Christmas pressies this year in an effort to eschew The Man and his money-grubbing ways. That’s all well and good but I may end up plowing over other desperate shoppers on Christmas Eve as I scramble for the last It Item at Kohl’s. Stay tuned.

How To Talk Yourself Into Buying Anything on Amazon.com

October 9, 2008

Last week I decided to buy a book online. The book cost $11.53 at amazon.com so after I added it to my shopping cart, I saw this message:

Amazon.com message

What follows is the inner dialogue that allowed me to spend far more than I intended to:

  • Impulse Buyer Me: Hey, I only have to buy one more thing and I’ll get free shipping!
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: But the shipping only costs $3.99. There’s no need to spend another $14.
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Yes, but if I have to pay nearly $4, I may as well tack on another $10 and get something I want. Let me check my amazon.com wishlist.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: That is the tool of a consumerist devil!
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Settle down Karl Marx! It’s just a list of some things I like.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: But your list is 22 pages long and has more than 500 items. Doesn’t that say something to you?
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Yeah, it says, um, “I dream big!” Besides, it’s just Amazon’s way of helping me out. It’s thoughtful of them really.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: Let’s assume I’ll agree to this. What do you want?
  • Impulse Buyer Me: How ’bout the 2009 Cute Overload calendar?
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: That’s only $10.39. You have to spend $13.47 to get free shipping.
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Ok, well how about a DVD? Like, Season 1 of Strangers with Candy. It’s $19.61.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: But that’s waaay more than you need to spend.
  • Impulse Buyer Me: It’s close enough. And come on – who doesn’t love Amy Sedaris?
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me:
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Oh, wait a second.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: What now?
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Well, it looks like I can get all three seasons of Strangers with Candy for only $42.99.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: So?
  • Impulse Buyer Me: If I buy them separately, I’ll spend an extra $20 – that’s ludicrous!
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: What’s ludicrous is how you’ve rationalized this totally un-necessary purchase in the midst of one of the worst financial crises in the history of the United States!
  • Impulse Buyer Me: But in hard times like these, don’t I deserve a laugh to lift my spirits? If I don’t enjoy myself, I could end up in a mental hospital and think how expensive that would be. Is that what you want? Me in a mental ward??
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: No, of course not!
  • Impulse Buyer Me: *sniffle* Then why are you trying to suck all the joy out of my life?
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: I just want to make sure you aren’t wasteful and foolhardy.
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Haven’t I suffered enough? Do I need to remind you that I fell and cracked my head open? I COULD HAVE DIED!! Then what good would all my saved money have done me?
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: Um, remember what the therapist said about catastrophic thinking? You didn’t nearly die. Take it down a notch or two.
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Isn’t it enough that I clip coupons?
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: Thanks to those fabric store coupons, you now have enough fabric for everyone in the free world to have two yards. Don’t talk to me about coupons!
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Look, if you think I’m going to miss a chance at free shipping, you’re crazy!
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: But don’t you see? That’s what they want you to think!
  • Impulse Buyer Me: They? Who is “they?” Are you getting paranoid again? It’s like how you make me check 100 times that my skirt isn’t tucked into my panties after I go to the bathroom.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: HEY – you would be mortified if that happened! You should be glad I’m so careful. Do you want to be strolling down the freeway of life mooning innocent bystanders??
  • Impulse Buyer Me: No, I’d rather be AT HOME WATCHING SEASONS ONE THROUGH THREE OF STRANGERS WITH CANDY!!
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: Fine. That’s great. Go ahead! But if you lose your job and are forced to traffic drugs for a living, don’t come crying to me!
  • Impulse Buyer Me: I knew we should never have watched Maria Full of Grace. You’re such a worrier!!
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me:
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Hmm.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: What?
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Well, Strangers with Candy reminds me that I’ve been wanting to get one of David Sedaris’s books. He’s Amy’s brother, you know.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: RELEASE THE MOUSE AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER or I’ll stir up a panic attack that will make The Great Meltdown of 2007 look like a cakewalk!
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Ok, ok! Please, anything but a panic attack! I’ll just get the book and the DVDs. That’s it! Sheesh. *grumble*
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: WHAT? What was that?
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Nothing! Go back to obsessing about all the things you wish you would’ve said in high school.
  • Fiscally-Conservative Me: Oooh, can we role-play again later? This time I’ll be the class hunk who spurned your advances.
  • Impulse Buyer Me: Shut the f…