Archive for the ‘Klutzella DeVille’ Category


October 17, 2012

When last we met, things were pretty shitty. Happily, there’ve been some improvements. I was super stressed about finding a new-to-me car and determined not to have a car payment. Luckily, a Honda dealer not a mile from my place happened to have my exact car, only a year newer. I looked around but it seemed like my best option. I had a mechanic look at it, haggled, and snapped up that sucker as quickly as I could. I hope I made the right decision. Big adult purchases always make me nervous. I’m terrified I’ll somehow blow it and forever regret my horrible decision. It’s been about a month and so far, my new hoopty is doing well. I haven’t managed to come up with a name that suits her though. She has a few more bells and whistles (steering-wheel radio controls & a sunroof) than the Goose but beyond that, is the exact same car – model and color! I’ve been so grateful to not have to adjust to a new ride on top of everything else.

My shin seems to have healed and only hurts a teensy bit toward the end of my walks. This injury made me realize how much I’d come to need the relief and release I get from walking. Turning on my iPod, turning off my brain, & hittin’ the road is so cathartic and meditative, with the added bonus of making me feel connected to nature since I’m outside. I’m hoping that winter won’t force me indoors. Since it gets dark so much earlier these days, I bought an obnoxious neon vest to wear for safety during my walks. The humiliation is far outweighed by my desire to avoid the drudgery of the treadmill.

Sadly, my Dad is not better. He improved enough to be released from the hospital but a few days later, ran into trouble again. He’d been sleeping in my bed and I was sleeping on an air mattress. One morning, I went into the bedroom and found him sitting on the edge of the bed. When he saw me, he stood up, and Frankenstein walked toward me, mumbling for help, followed by crashing to the floor on poor, unsuspecting Abby. He was completely incoherent and I was scared to death. I tried to get him up but could not, no matter what I tried, and was so afraid he’d break a hip or worse, so I had to call 911. At the ER, they ran lots of tests and found that one of his medicines caused his sodium to plummet to a dangerous level, which made him, quite literally, delirious. (The doctor said we were lucky he didn’t have a seizure.) He stayed in the hospital for a few days and was then released to a longer-term care facility. Since then, his mental condition has deteriorated even more because he was taken off a lot of medicine while he was in the hospital. At this point, his doctors aren’t sure he’ll even be well enough for assisted-living, which is heartbreaking. I do have hope he’ll get better, but I know it’s going to take a while. I’ve never seen him like this, but I’m trying to stay positive.

One day last week, I reeeeeally needed some downtime, so I followed Cakies’ lead and made some black cat & ghost lights for my kitchen windowsill. It was so relaxing and restorative, I promised myself I’d make more time for crafting in the midst of all this craziness. I’m hoping to be back soon with pictures of a new fall wreath and knitting projects.



September 29, 2012

My grandmother used to portend that bad things happened in threes, which was all my anxiety-prone mind needed to commence fretting when something unfavorable arose. Despite this, when what turned out to be the first of 3 bad things happened to me recently, it didn’t even occur to me to worry that 2 more awful things were to follow.


A few weeks ago, I was heading home at lunch to take Abby out since I had to teach in the evening and wouldn’t be home until late. I was following a curve in the road when I saw a 4 x 4 barreling toward me. The driver, who was yakking on his cell phone when he hit me, later told me that the look on my face was one of abject horror, probably because I couldn’t believe I was getting into another car accident. This one, however, was decidedly not my fault. He plowed into the driver’s side of The Goose, ripping the side mirror off, tearing up the doors, and shattering the windows. “I just couldn’t stop,” he offered in disbelief. It had just started raining so he might’ve hydroplaned but I more suspect inexperience was the culprit; he’s very young and this was his first accident. On the scene, he told the police he had insurance. My car wasn’t drivable so he gave me a ride back to my office, as he happened to work nearby. During the short drive, he apologized several times and told me he’d been listening to Christian music at the time of the accident. It’s possible he was trying to butter me up but I thought he was being sincere. We exchanged phone numbers and I assured him that the most important thing was that no one was hurt. It didn’t take long for my insurance to uncover the icky truth – that he was uninsured. That meant my insurance would cover me and then go after him. Unfortunately, the cost of the repairs was enough that they opted to make my vehicle a total loss and give me its value. They compensated me well but finding a new-to-me car in good condition when I only had a paid-for rental car for 5 days seemed impossible. Plus I love The Goose and was not ready to give her up. *sad commiserative honk* 😦


I’ve been concerned about my Dad for some time. He’s bi-polar and has always struggled to keep his medicines regulated. I hadn’t actually seen him face-to-face for several years, not on purpose but because things kept coming up that made visiting difficult. But my brother and I could tell from talking to him on the phone that he was in bad shape and rapidly deteriorating. We tried intervening from afar but it was clear he needed an on-scene advocate so he flew to Indianapolis. I was wholly unprepared for the terrible state he was in when he arrived. I’ve never seen him in such awful condition and I’ve seen him in a number of bad states. He was a mere whisper of himself – a complete wreck. Ultimately, he had to be hospitalized for several weeks, which was scary and difficult but absolutely the right thing to do. I visited him almost every day before realizing how heavily it was weighing on my own mental health. It’s so sad to see someone go downhill and feel totally helpless. Thankfully he’s doing better but can no longer live by himself so it’s up to my brother and I to arrange assisted living, sell his apartment, make sure he’s being well taken care of, and OH, not have a nervous breakdown during the process. Overwhelmed doesn’t even being to describe how I feel. Double 😦 😦


Because I know better than to prove my grandmother wrong, I fell in my office, tripping over nothing but falling summarily on my knee and turning my ankle. Other than searing mortification, I didn’t feel much right away but a few days later, had terrible pain & swelling in my shin. I could barely put any weight on that leg so I went to the doctor. Luckily nothing is broken; my doctor thinks I tore a ligament. For my exercise for the last few months, I’d been swimming 2 days/week and walking 3 days/week so I was really nervous about this injury derailing my momentum, which caused me to spiral into panic that I would gain back a ton of weight (160 pounds lost at last check!!) and die alone, with rabid, feral dogs feasting on my bloated corpse. I was determined not to let that happen so I kept exercising but was in a ton of pain, even swimming laps, forcing me to relent. I’m in the midst of a week off, which seems to be helping but it’s clearly going to take several weeks to heal. This injury has highlighted a bizarre fear I have when I’m in the midst of any ailment, physical or mental – I’m seized by the awful thought that I’ll never be well again. I know it’s not rational but it sure is a bitch to counteract!

So there you have it – my triumvirate of suck. I’m in full-on one-day-at-a-time mode and trying to take good care of myself in the meantime. In the past, I would’ve just used food to deal with my feelings about all of this but I’m hellbent on keeping that nonsense at bay. That means using all the tools I’ve learned about over the last few years – therapy, support groups, exercise, journaling, meditating, mindfulness, and reaching out, to name a few. It’s really putting me to the test so I sure would appreciate some positive vibes directed my way.

Just What I Needed

February 7, 2012

I did something really dumb last night and am just sick about it. I was refilling my Spray ‘n Wash spray bottle from a refill bottle I bought at the grocery store. I was helping the earth by choosing less packaging! Shouldn’t that count for something? But I was doing it on top of my open laptop, which granted, was really dumb. So some glugged over and got onto my trackpad and those little left-click and right-click buttons, which I never use. I wiped up the mess as quickly as I could but now my computer won’t turn on or do anything. I cannot afford a new freaking laptop right now as I’m inundated with surgery & ER bills and my couch is on its last leg. WHINE. I’m hoping after a period of rest, it will work again. Otherwise I’m going to have to bug my poor friend George, who I often harass when I’m having computer problems.

Last week Indianapolis hosted the Super Bowl so the city was abuzz with excitement. Downtown was completely transformed, including building a theme park called the NFL Experience. I never made it down there to check things out because I’m an old curmudgeon who doesn’t like crowds. I did, however, spend the week completely freaking out about all the celebrity sightings. Just knowing that Ryan Gosling went to a Subway near me nearly sent me over the edge! Since then I’ve been wondering 1) how much the Subway employees freaked out and 2) what he ordered. A salad or a full-on sub? I’m guessing he’s a Buffalo chicken kind of guy. Or maybe meatball marinara?

Hey Girl Indy

Why I Don’t Vacuum More Often

March 30, 2011

Abby and I had a fight last night after what shall henceforth be known as The Unfortunate Tech Suck of 2011. In the ensuing kerfuffle, I opened my front door hoping to air out the 10 tons of dust I’d just released into my apartment. She took advantage of the opportunity and sneaked outside. That wasn’t a big deal but she would not come back in, no matter what I said or did. I had to say the Serenity Prayer 7 times and eventually bent my will entirely to her ever-changing moods, knowing that she would soon relent and priss inside, which she did, followed by eying her treats as though that behavior warranted positive reinforcement. I felt bad getting upset with her because in the last few weeks, she’s really slowed down and it’s becoming more real to me that I don’t have much time left with my sweet girl. She started having more trouble getting around, unable to jump onto a chair she liked to snooze in and favoring her front leg. She’d also lost a bit of weight and seemed completely put-off by her kibble. The decline happened so fast and I was a complete wreck at the thought of losing her. I took her to the vet and ended up bursting into tears because my mind was full of worst-case scenarios. The vet started her on arthritis medicine and it’s helped tremendously. She’s been frisky and seems like her usual self but I’m still acutely aware that our time is limited, so I hate to spend it yelling at her to get her “fluffy booty inside right this minute!”

The whole mess started when I decided I had to dust and vacuum, lest my apartment be quarantined. I should mention that I hate vacuuming. Of all the chores, it’s my least favorite. I should also mention that a few weeks ago, during one of my all-too-infrequent tidying sessions, I noticed my vacuum wasn’t sucking up anything. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong and then suddenly remembered that my vacuum had a bag. I have no idea how or why I forgot that but I wish you could’ve seen/lifted the overflowing bag. It was beyond stuffed and weighed at least 10 pounds. (Moxy & Lean will vouch for me, as I saved the bag for them to laugh and point at.) I hadn’t changed it in at least a year and I think it’d been longer. I’m only telling you this so you’ll pity my feeble mind and truly understand the pathetic nature of my housekeeping.

With that in mind, last night I found myself vacuuming and came to a pile of techno-ephemera in my living room. I carelessly commenced to sucking up the dust bunnies in and around the pile and soon noticed I was sucking up a flash drive. My heart sank because I thought it contained all my precious pictures from the last 6 years, which had been miraculously salvaged from my old shithead laptop by my sweet and patient friend George. I turned off the vacuum as quickly as I could, but could already hear the scratching of bits and pieces being flung into the bowels of my vacuum cleaner. I eventually salvaged a tiny, very-damaged chip and a piece of the casing to the flash drive…which summarily informed me that it was just a random spare I had lying around and not the valuable memory-holding grail I thought it was. By this time I had already texted George 100 times and ripped the bag out of the vacuum cleaner, spilling dust and Abby fluff all over my living room.

Now of course the question is: where the hell is the important flash drive? I searched my office today and apart from discovering that it too is dusty and disorganized, I didn’t find anything. I have an idea where it is, but that brings me to another story and I think you’ve suffered enough for one day. More soon!

Facebook FAIL

February 22, 2011

I’ve just narrowly survived my first big Facebook gaffe, complete with the requisite mortification and self-loathing. When you get right down to it, it’s clearly Aaron Sorkin’s fault. He had to write such a brilliant screenplay*, which lured me in from the first preview. Even before I saw any previews, I heard that Trent Reznor wrote the music for The Social Network and being a big fan of his, was very excited to hear what he came up with. (For the record (haha), the songs he wrote are INCREDIBLE. I had chills throughout the entire film. You can download the whole album for just a few bucks at Amazon.)

The first trailer I saw was set to Kanye West’s latest single, Power, which totally blew my mind and seriously spoke to the film’s themes:

It was classic Kanye: anthemic, packed with meaning, confessional but unapologetic. I immediately downloaded the MP3 and waited anxiously for his whole album to be released.

Then I saw a second trailer, which had an amazing choral arrangement of Radiohead’s Creep floating in the background:

Being a life-long choir geek, this sent me over the edge. I told B about it and we both became obsessed with the song and other music by the same choir, Scala & Kolacny Brothers. A few weeks ago, B told me the choir was performing in Chicago. He had 2 other friends, J & G, who wanted to go as well so the minute the tickets went on sale, I secured 4 of them for us. I was so excited, I immediately went on Facebook and announced that I’d just gotten tickets and tagged everyone who was attending. A few minutes later, I got an anxious text from B asking me to untag his friends post-haste because one was taking the other as a surprise for his birthday. Ooops. I felt awful, especially since I’ve met his friends and they’re adorable and sweet. I immediately deleted my post. I know that Facebook e-mails you when you’re tagged in a post but I wonder if they rescind the e-mail when that post is deleted. I hope so. B said J & G hardly ever use Facebook and hadn’t heard from either so I’m hoping I haven’t ruined the surprise.

Have you made any faux pas on Facebook? Please tell me you have so I don’t feel like such a dolt.

*Sometime over cocktails, let’s discuss the more pertinent issue, whether or not the story Sorkin told is true. I did a lot of research after seeing the movie twice and pretty much concluded that while it’s fascinating and packed with meaty, enthralling dialog, Sorkin attributed a lot of sentiment and motivation to Mark Zuckerberg that’s simply not accurate. However it’s perhaps inadvertently germane in that it’s a movie about Facebook, this new, incredible tool that often misshapes our views of people.

And on the Ninth Day, I Rested

November 10, 2010

Ok so I didn’t blog yesterday but I had a very long day and by the time it was winding down, my brain had already begun its silent descent toward sleep. I couldn’t bring myself to write even a half-witted post. I briefly considered simply posting this picture of Abbs (and let’s face it, it’s adorable enough to illicit all sorts of discussion) but decided instead to go to bed and face the consequences in the morning. Boy was I surprised when I was awoken at 5:30 a.m. by The Blog Police banging on my door and shouting things like, “You think NaBloPoMo is a joke???”

I was again punished for my slackery when I happened to wake up this morning and realize I hadn’t heard my phone alarm and couldn’t find my phone. I searched all over my apartment and came up empty handed so I sent my phone a text message from my computer, hoping to hear it beep when it received the message. I soon realized it was trapped in the bowels of the couch, not under a cushion or in a crack but waaaay down by the springs and wood supports. I ended up having to turn the couch on end several times before finally shaking the phone loose. I was exhausted and hadn’t even left the house yet! I also somehow pulled a groin muscle so I feel a bit like a stripper the day after her first pole dance. SORE, is what I’m saying and walking, well…walking as though I have a pole in my heiny.

Do you see what happens when you don’t blog every day of NaBloPoMo??


May 17, 2010

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, thrashed about for a few minutes, and finally acknowledged that I couldn’t go back to sleep. I’m so unaccustomed to being sentient at such an early hour, I hadn’t the faintest idea of how to be productive so I ended up taking a bath, reading, and catching up on my Google Reader feeds. I’m afraid to say what I’m about to say but I’m going to say it because it’s been happening long enough that it seems like a legitimate thing. And that is that ever since I switched to a vegetarian diet* about a month ago, I’ve felt less lethargic and require much less sleep to feel rested. Now part of my problem has been that I’m anemic, have low vitamin D levels, and my thyroid is out of whack (all of which I’m working on fixing with meds) but it is unavoidable that I’ve had more energy since I cut meat from my diet. It could be a fluke thing but it’s interesting to note and spurs me on when I’m craving something beefy.

This looks to be a busy week but after careful inspection of my calendar, it will be a leeeetle less busy than I originally thought. I happened to notice an appointment on my calendar to teach a Fireworks class at 1 a.m. on Wednesday. I’m not sure how that appointment got there but after checking the master schedule to be certain my employer hadn’t started a workshop series for insomniacs, I’ve confirmed that I am in fact not teaching a Fireworks class at 1 a.m. Wednesday morning and will therefore probably be sleeping instead. Phew!

*For the time being I’m occasionally eating seafood, which I guess technically makes me a pescetarian. Eventually I plan to eschew all animal flesh but during this initial adjustment period, am making this concession SO PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME OR I WILL CRY!


April 21, 2010

How’s your progress on correctly pronouncing the name of the Icelandic volcano that’s causing trouble in Europe’s airspace? Despite quite a lot of effort and discussion, I’m still at square one but decided to always end my mangled attempts with an ass slap and a whistle because presentation is very important.

Last weekend I came as close to doing the splits as I ever hope to and as a result, my hips are so sore I can barely walk. You see I was cleaning my bathroom and in an effort to make it really shine, stepped into the tub to give the porcelain the business. Once I’d finished my frenzied scrubbing, no doubt high from Tilex fumes, I casually stepped out of the tub and watched helplessly as my wet foot slipped further and further away from my body while my other foot remained cluelessly in the tub. I kept thinking surely my loins would signal when they’d reached their limit but instead, my apparently amenable body resigned to its fate and stopped only when my crotch hovered mere inches above the ground. After waiting for the judges’ scores, I collapsed into a heap on the bathroom floor. Abby remained nearby, not even batting an eyelash as she’s so accustomed to my frequent pratfalls. The upshot is that as word of my limberness spreads, I suspect I’ll be getting asked out on a lot more dates. My terlet splits bring all the boys to the yard!

Surely This Will Win a Prize for Dragging Out the Recounting of Utterly Forgettable Events

February 17, 2010

I believe the equine euphemism for how I feel right now is “rode hard and put away wet.” It all started early Saturday morning as I headed home after an evening o’ fun and yummy grilled mahi-mahi. I must preface my tale of woe with the acknowledgment that the maintenance folk at my apartment complex usually keep the sidewalks scraped and salted during the winter. Unfortunately we’ve gotten a lot of snow lately so the walkway to my apartment was especially treacherous.

I have a LONG history of klutziness, which I might expound on another time for your amusement but for now, suffice it to say, I can barely manage walking on flat, dry surfaces without busting my ass LET ALONE traipsing through the Midwestern leg of the Iditarod. In truth as a Southerner is wont to do, I’m may be leaning toward the superlative in my description of the slick sidewalk but I fall so often that exaggerating the conditions is the only way I can maintain even a scrap of pride.

As you probably guessed, despite being very careful, wearing shoes with tread, and boiling eye of newt by the light of a full moon, I biffed it and landed hard on my knee, followed by mooning those with the misfortune of traveling down northeast Allisonville Road around 12:30 in the morning.

And because just recently I was bragging to Moxy and Lean about how I never get sick, I woke up Sunday morning with an evil sinus cooty. My throat hurts, my ears and nose are stuffed up, and my head is pounding to the beat of We Will Rock You. That combined with the road rash and bruises on my poor knee meant I spent most of the weekend hobbling around my apartment and thrashing from side to side in bed, trying to get my sinuses to at least clog evenly on the left and right sides of my perturbed face.

Because I never get sick (haha), I am woefully unprepared for the phlegmular onslaught that’s besieged my sinuses. I’m assisting a CSS class tonight and two kind souls had mercy on me, one offering Tylenol and another offering a cough drop, both like manna for my beleaguered bod.

P.S. I don’t get why some people think bloggers are self-involved? 😉 I know my problems are pretty paltry in the grand scheme but if a girl can’t complain on her blog, where can she? Thanks for indulging me!

That Girl

November 16, 2009

I was totally that girl at the movies last night, which seems to be my indubitable lot in life. Moxy and I went to see Bright Star, a lovely film about John Keats and his poor, forsaken love, Fanny Brawne. (For the record, I’m now in love with Ben Whishaw. That’s probably inappropriate since he’s 8 years my junior but a thing of beauty is a joy forever. HAHAHA! Get it? Because he played Keats. Is this thing on?) Anyway it all started right after the lights went down and I spilled Sprite Zero* down my cleavage and into my brassiere. The pants I was wearing didn’t have any pockets so my phone happened to be nestled in that cozy spot for safe keeping. I was worried the Sprite Zero might ruin it (as I’ve already had the misfortune of introducing liquid and a cell phone) so while I cleaned up, I put my phone on the arm rest next to me. A few minutes later, I accidentally knocked it off and heard the cringe-worthy clack of it landing in a mysterious cranny. I tried to find it but couldn’t in the dark and decided to look for it after the movie. Thankfully I’d already set it to vibrate and was hopeful I wouldn’t get any texts or calls. Naturally I got a call and a text but no one seemed to notice the brief, dull vibrating. That was until the end of the movie when Fanny learns of Keats’ untimely death and during a mournful walk, recites one of his most ardent, mellifluous poems. Throughout the entire recitation and credits (when Ben Whishaw recites another of Keats’ poems), my phone’s alarm buzzed angrily. I’d set it the day before and forgot about it. The ending was so poignant and stirring that no one dared even take a breath, which only served to magnify the obnoxious buzzing reminder that it was 2009 rather than 1821. Needless to say, my friend count was HIGH. THANK YOU, INDIANAPOLIS!!

*Before I went to the movie, I firmly decided I wouldn’t partake of any snackage but when I found out the concession stand had Sprite Zero, I was overtaken by the urge to nosh and ended up getting popcorn and a drink, which ultimately caused the above calamity. Another reason to avoid impulse eating!

P.S. I got a new digital camera last year at this time and now it seems the battery won’t re-charge. Is that even possible or does it indicate a problem with the camera?