Deep Thoughts, by Lisa

  1. On her Mom suggesting her Dad accompany her to a gynecological appointment: “I told her are you shitting me I do NOT want to take my Dad to get my pussy cut on”
  2. “if you piss me off it is hard to tell what I will say”
  3. On why Jordan won’t invite people to the house: “I also think he is afraid I will say fuck.”
  4. “you lost me at Salami”
  5. “I’ll take it up the ass for the team.”
  6. On passing gas in public: “I can tell you if I farted I would have just killed myself and never come back. “
  7. On Tom taking pain meds: “I really don’t think they affect him, he is just as stupid now as he was before he took them”
  8. On pictures recently taken of the family: “Tom’s ass hole is a little wrinkly but we decided to go ahead and purchase them.”
  9. “There is always another donkey.”
  10. After taking too many meds: “but they kept laughing at me when I wasn’t trying to be funny “
  11. “SHIT why didn’t I bring in vasoline”
  12. On the spirit of giving: “I’m going with 7 cheap ass ornaments and bringing home nice ones probably.”
  13. On not pooping for long periods of time: “I guess it is just one of my talents… I mean we are all blessed with one… mine just happens to be this one. 😦 LOL”
  14. On passing out Halloween candy: “We do have a lot of turds in the yard that need picked up”
  15. On triflin’ fundraisers: “I’m about ready to tell her to shove her fucking cookie dough up her fucking ass I don’t give a damn if I get it or not.”
  16. On her discriminating culinary tastes: “But I don’t’ know if I would want to eat bull testicles.. maybe if I didn’t know what they were? LOL”
  17. “They sent me straight to anger management years ago when I threatened to smash a guy’s nuts in the drawer.”
  18. On telling someone off: “I would but she is taking chemo and has cancer so I’m trying to be nice.”
  19. Making plans: “I would go with you but I have a rash on my ass.”
  20. “Sometimes I’m frustrated everyone can’t be as smart as me.”
  21. Bragging about her child: “My dog is as smart as my son.”
  22. On her behavior at work: “I just don’t think I have it in me anymore to be professional.”
  23. “Since I sleep with strange men it really doesn’t make a difference where my panties come from.”
  24. On Tom’s kidney stone: “all I know is he said it was like having a baby and I told him if he got his dick cut off up past his ass hole then sewed back on then we would talk otherwise I don’t want to hear it.”
  25. “I forgot about how shrimp made my tits swell.”
  26. “BTW I took one of Buddy’s pills today I think and I have the urge to lick my own ass”
  27. On promising not to complain for the rest of the day: “I would say that but it would be a lie.”
  28. On why men are good at cleaning windows: “It is cause they jack off and build up those muscles? LOL”
  29. On her mood: “I think I have/had PMS.”
  30. On being regular: “tom said that is my skill in life – waiting to shit”
  31. On the police not being called: “Oh I don’t know it makes for good stories and memories, I was sort of disappointed.”
  32. “Only Tom could pick the sofa up and shake her teeth out”
  33. On her spawn: “I should have drown [sic] him when he was little”
  34. “I got your ham last night beotch… let me know what you want me to do with it.”
  35. “I mean each to their own but apparently I just like trashy shit. “
  36. On not discriminating: “Well I wish even idiots a happy birthday”
  37. “Wow who knew.  They look real.”
  38. “now every time someone gets a fucking car I go outside and lick it”
  39. A fair assessment of her personality: “I am annoying at times because I’m loud but other than that I’m very entertaining”
  40. On customer service: “believe it or not I’m always polite to the public”
  41. On dogs in calendars: “They are cute but I told Tom that Buddy was cuter than any of the dogs in that fucking calendar”
  42. Staunch work ethic: “This is why I don’t ever help anyone or overachieve in anyway… all those blow jobs were getting me no where.”
  43. “My Motto is screw as many kids up as you can.”
  44. “HOLD it flesh up to your piss hole and pussy.. sometimes it dribbles back past there and you have to play around with where you put the cup..”
  45. “I have been rubbing Neosporin on my dogs balls, ass and nips for a gawd damn week!”
  46. When asked who her gynecologist is: “I feel my own self up”
  47. “I had semen standing here and I’m about to lose it… sorry I’ll talk later.”
  48. “Hell I even scoot my ass on the carpet when nobody is looking.”
  49. Till death do us part: “Hey, look at the King and I.  I’m staying with that fucker and making him miserable until one of us dies.”
  50. “I pinch it open until I get what I want”
  51. On workplace budget cuts: “OMG don’t you hate it when someone farts as they walk by and you feel like you need a sign to say it wasn’t you.. PISSES ME off… In the old office I would just scream WHO SHIT.. but it is different here now.”
  52. On offending people on social media: “my followers and friends are dropping like fucking flies these days”
  53. “I never leave voice mail, I just figured people have called i.d. and if they want to talk to me they will call me back.. otherwise they can fuck themselves.”
  54. “I run into men I have fucked daily… it’s everyday shit for me”
  55. “Does Kindle support porn?”
  56. After a stressful Thanksgiving: “TO ME IT IS ALL WHITE FUCKING TRASH…”
  57. “I’m not bragging but I really do get a lot of work done and still fuck around.”
  58. Oh which brand of hand sanitizer tastes better: “Hang on I’ll lick it and let you know.”
  59. “OMG never/ever drink before going to school craft fairs.. just take my word for it.”
  60. “DUH rule number 65 never pimp for someone u don’t know.. just causes problems.”
  61. On her friends: “I never know when someone is telling me stupid shit.”
  62. On marriage: “I still get the bone buried after 21… fuckin hell… he would have to get his dick cut off before that happens. You can still fuck and hate…”
  63. On Lisa-isms: “I have made up so much shit that I am not needing a book to refer to for my own bull shit”
  64. Facebook wisdom: “That is downright stupid to have your pastor as your friend”
  65. “Did I say that? HAHAHAHA OMG my head hurts so bad I don’t even remember saying this shit.”
  66. On a man’s view of a short hair cut on his woman: “But if he is doing her doggy style, I bet he would feel he was doing his best friend from high school or something”
  67. On Facebook: “You can write whats ever your hearts desired on mine Missy.. I don’t give a rats fucking ass”
  68. “I guess I’m used to getting poked in the ass “
  69. Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus: “Don’t you just want to kick the shit out of a man that would wear a skirt?”
  70. On bite-sized candy: “I thought I said that I could have fit like 24 in my mouth that is how small they are and that is why I’m worried they are now up my ass?”
  71. On the list of the top 8 morons of 2008: “I’m not reading it, I’m afraid I’m on the list…
  72. Lisa’s version of a PSA: “Like I told Chuck in the elevator.. can’t rape the willing.. DUH”
  73. On one night stands: “just fuck, cuddle a little and get the hell out of dodge”
  74. On flat tires: “Next time I’m getting on my knees like I always do and blowing it up with my lips.”
  75. “Okay, I’m sorry I’m confused again.. but don’t try to help me figure anything out…”
  76. On taking risks: “my Dad said that God looks after stupid people”
  77. Reflecting on previous sexual harassment offenses: “I have grown a lot as a person since then, I wouldn’t ever do that shit”
  78. On frenemies: “I mean I have to work with him somewhat but I can be rude to him like I am any other person that I hate.”
  79. On the morning after: “I can’t remember either, but normally I don’t’ remember the next day what I did the day before.”
  80. On tax returns: “See I think it depends on what tax payer you fuck”
  81. On breakfast: “I am having a hankering for dick in a toaster”
  82. On her parole officer: “OMG at this rate that bitch is going to catch me fast isn’t he?”
  83. On feeling inadequate: “I’m always a day late and a dollar whore”
  84. On conflict resolution: “so trying to be a bitch doesn’t work for me, this is when I decided to turn over a new leaf and be nice the rest of my life.”
  85. I’ll leave this one up to your imagination: “Can we take turns sucking because my lips ain’t what they used to be”
  86. On fact verification: “That is why I prefer to make up my own answers and just stick with it regardless of how stupid it makes me look. “
  87. On celebrity childcare: “HELLO… who said you had to take care of kids.. plus you could just take them to Fao Toy Junction or whatever it is and let them buy out the store while you fucked Brad [Pitt] or sit on his face.. DUH O… get with it.”
  88. On gossiping: “I don’t’ do that shit anymore I turned over a new leaf.”
  89. On whether they’re “all-munds” or “ahh-munds”: “What are they called after I put them up my butt?”
  90. On romantic encounters: “It is NEVER too late for a nooner.”
  91. On the encyclopedia: “When I glanced through most of it and saw it didn’t affect me, I got back off of it.”
  92. On an acquaintance: “She went to another State (Pittsburg or Afghanistan or something… I heard blah, blah, blah) to get fucked by someone else…”
  93. On drive shafts: “It makes the shaft drive… duh.”
  94. On unisex bathrooms: “I could not handle that shit… not really the lid part, the part when men and women piss and shit in harmony.. NO WAY.”
  95. On philanthropy: “I don’t want to hear anymore sweet shit, I just want to be mean and laugh at people and talk about all the stupid stuff that everyone has done.. THANK YOU.  LOLOLOL”
  96. On tailoring clothes: “Inseam is the Crotch to the end of the leg…Rise is if your pants are up under your tits or down around your ass crack. Hem width is if you want them hemmed 2 inches so you can grow or if you want them regular so that you don’t have to screw with it…”
  97. “Okay this one is cute as hell but why does it have such a long body”
  98. On volunteering to help with Vacation Bible School: “Damn girl why did you volunteer to do that?  Can you said shit and ass at bible school?”
  99. On getting your point across: “Or bend his ass over the desk and shove them up his ass.. That will work. “
  100. “Some people have more control than I do.”
  101. On a wacky news story: “OMG I saw that on the Today’s show.. if you get your ass up early you can see all this stuff and you NEVER/EVER have to read.  LOL”
  102. On corporal punishment: “I think Fly Swatters are okay as long as you don’t shove them up one of their ass holes… You are safe.”
  103. On white dogs: “I mean dirty butt holes make me sick.”
  104. “Lisa’s rule:  What she doesn’t know, she makes up, then swears by it.. DUH”
  105. On party food: “A party isn’t a party w/o veggie dicks.  DUH”
  106. On digestive distress: “If someone shit in my tub, trash can, sink  or on the floor they would be dead to me I don’t care if my stool worked OR NOT.. I mean they better do the ass hole crunches or the butt hole squeeze is all I can say… trust me on this one…
  107. A true animal lover: “Tom said there was a white poodle at the animal shelter that is a year old… it is a girl though and I’m worried about it butt hole getting dirty looking.. LOLOLOL HUM what to do.”
  108. On her alcohol preferences: “Well that too… or Mad Dog… but all of it is easier to spell than CINATRI or whatever she said.. LOL”
  109. On touching news stories: “I don’t have time for heartwarming and incredible right now I’m ituning it”
  110. “I’m here today but VERY behind.. I will not be online much… Plus my right arm feels like I have jacked off 3 donkeys… I HAVE to downsize the purse tonight, clean out the car (get a trash bag and throw all the shit in it) and MAYBE if you are lucky sweep it out…  “
  111. On working at an office with a cuss jar: “I couldn’t afford to work there.”
  112. On basic maintenance: “I floss, shower and have sex once a week whether I need or want to… :)”
  113. On Wendy’s cheese sauce: “I don’t have them put it in a cup, I just smear it on my tits and ass.  LOL”
  114. On removing e-mail recipients to protect them from her foul language: “NO, it is Happy Fucking Holidays you Muther…I took off Erin, I don’t think she cares for my colorfulness.”
  115. On a recent visit to the doctor’s office: “Not to get too personal but I went for a kidney problem… And well you have to piss in a cup”
  116. On a zombie attack in Bloomington: “Well at least they found the goblins or whatever it was and determined she wasn’t crazy as hell.. that would be my experience.. no proof or anything… Lisa goes to the 5th floor of the hspt. and gets throw in the nut ward.  LOL”
  117. On disciplining kids: “I think it should go back to beating their asses when they look at you cross eyed and then all this shit wouldn’t be going on”
  118. On pet care: “leave it to me to fuck up a kid.  Tom says I could fuck up anything.. I have fucked up the dog too… wanna hear about that shit?  LOL”
  119. On favors: “Does anyone know anyone one personally at the motor pool?  My cousin is applying for a job over there and I was wondering if anyone could sleep with someone or find out who I could sleep with to help them out.  LOL”
  120. On group pictures: “I’m making a new rule, if you do not have a big ass head, then I’m NOT taking my picture with you.”
  121. On chain mail: “You know I figured as much… that is the main reason I never forward shit.. thanks for reminding me that forwarding this shit is retarded.  LOL”
  122. On skin care: “How in the fuck can you tan a mouse?”
  123. On a sound file: “Mine just went ding… really high pitched.. is this something that old people are not supposed to hear?”
  124. “I won’t be online much today I’m swamped.”
  125. “I tried to whore her up but I just couldn’t… LOL they didn’t have enough whorey things…”
  126. “Hey.. now wait a minute.. I will share a brain, I will share panties.. hell I’ll even share my King… but I REFUSE.. REFUSE I tell you… to share my butt hole.  Now beat it fucker”
  127. “I think I get it now… you are the 12th most popular name?  DAMN I don’t know what is wrong with me today… or any day for that matter, I truly did not understand until now.  LOL”
  128. On bangs: “Could be both, my Mommy told me they were stringy and looked bad… and they were in my face and she doesn’t see how I eat with them in my eyes.. I’m thinking.. I don’t eat with my eyes… “

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