Black Friday or The Day I Called Someone An Asshole Before Sunrise

I think ultimately, Lean is to blame for what I endured last Friday. She was the one who was all, “Check out these sale ads from my newspaper!” If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have known that Kohl’s was practically giving comforters away at $24.99 for any size. Could you resist a $24.99 king-size duvet? I don’t think so.

Soon I found out that Kohl’s was not only selling super-cheap comforters BUT was also opening at 4 a.m. Of course initially I was all, “GOD, that is soooo obnoxious. Why are we so focused on consumption? What kind of nutbar would get up at such an absurd hour??” But it wasn’t long before I decided I’d be among the legions of nutbars, justified by the following flimsy excuses:

• I really need a new comforter! My current one is in its twilight years.
• The comforter isn’t a present for anyone, so I’m not participating in commercialized holiday flim flam.
• There won’t be many other nutbars there because it’s just too early and no one (but me) is that KRAZEE.

And so I woke up at 4 a.m., brushed my locks, and (after debating) decided to throw on a bra to control jiggle and bounce when I was running through stores, knocking innocent bystanders down, and grabbing at anything on sale. Once I was within a few hundred feet of the nearest Kohl’s, my mouth dropped open. The parking lot was packed like a tin of sardines. While hunting for a spot, a fellow clichéd door-busting buffoon cut me off and nearly ran into me. Fist raised in the air I shouted, “Asshole!” Beholding the madness that had already ensued, I briefly considering bailing but had grown SO curious to marvel at the wonder that is Black Friday. I finally found a spot in the back 40 and against my better judgment wandered into the mecca.

Once inside, I managed to grab the LAST king-size comforter (it was only 4:30 a.m.) It didn’t have a proper label so I checked with a nice Kohl’s lady to make sure it was one of the sale duvets. She whipped out her fancy scanner, ran it across the SKU on the comforter’s tag, and confirmed everything was good. Next I ventured into the terlet aisle and grabbed some lovely, plush towels for a steal. Before I headed to the checkout, I peeked at the purses and 60%-off sterling silver jewelry but didn’t find any must-haves.

I headed toward the cashiers at the front of the store and noticed the line to pay was pretty long. I soon found it trailed jaggedly all the way to the back of the store. Waiting in that blasted line slowly chipped away at my will to live. All told, I waited an hour in line with thankfully-friendly peeps, especially given that the store was as hot as the forecourt of hell so we were all sweating like piggies. When my turn to pay finally came, I was told that my comforter was $70 and not $25. I think I must’ve looked moments from fainting because a nearby manager stepped in and chirped, “No problem – we’ll give you the lower price.” I’ll probably never know why she was so merciful but I’ll always be grateful and remember her in my prayers.

Once I left Kohl’s, dehydrated and spent, I puttered through a McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered a large ice water with lemon. After chugging it down while listening to Morning Edition, I felt revived and ready to hit up the Jo-Ann Superstore when it opened at 6 a.m., especially since I had a 50%-off one item coupon and a 20%-off your entire order coupon. I’ll spare you the details except to note that I got some awesome deals but waited an hour for my fabric to be cut and another hour to pay.

When I drunkenly stumbled out of Jo-Ann’s and collapsed into my car, I pondered the depths I’d sunk to. Granted, I’d saved quite a bit of money and scored some great blog fodder. “But was it worth it,” I wondered aloud. The bitter brooding in long lines, the frenzy of scattered linens and flying bolts of fabric, the angry jabs at delirious drivers. I’m pretty sure the insanity I endured wasn’t worth the money I saved so don’t look for me at any future Black Friday events…unless, of course, comforters are on sale.